Kids Jokes

white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt

Sometimes my kid likes me, but I'm pretty sure it's only because I'm his Oreo dealer.

God: I made something new. It's like a tornado, but smaller. Angel: What do you call it? God: A toddler.

Kid, if you don't know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don't deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn't cry.

As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices - take it or leave it.

As far as I'm concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we're so cultured and not bc she's basically been raised by Peppa Pig

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

How much weed is the appropriate amount to give as a gift at a baby shower?

Remember when you were a kid and the teacher said you can be anything you want to be? Luckily I chose lower middle class and overweight.

I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT ANYTHING. YOU ARE EVIL. I don't want to go in the swing!! NOOOOooooo.... okay. yeah. This works. I'll hang here. - Baby

It's like taking candy from a baby - A GOOD IDEA IF YOU DON'T WANT THE BABY TO LOSE ITS FEET TO DIABETES BEFORE IT TURNS ONE.

You think God hates crosses? If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I'd be pissed.

My father put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like "You're five years old? When I was your age I was six!"

People are shitting on gorilla kid's mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could've run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me No

"LeBron has cramps"... I get those every month you baby.

Me: Hello Teacher: Hello M: How's my kid doing in school? T: How's my kid doing in school? I hate parrot teacher conferences

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.

My kid's insults to each other: "you have fat lips like Momma." "well, you have a big butt like Momma. Thanks, kids.

I'm not paying any more child support. His posture hasn't improved at all.

You should never use the word "nutsacky" when describing how a newborn baby feels.

Today a three-year-old child who I've never met before told me to shut up, and I wasn't even talking.

If I heard the person in charge of autocorrect on iPhones was that kid who fainted during the 2004 National Spelling Bee, I'd believe it.