Kids Jokes

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own -me giving a baby advice

kid doctor: [looking over charts] im not going to lie this is the worst case of cooties ive ever seen little girl: he said he'd been tested!

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

*Comments on Facebook picture* "That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness."

Me: Have fun on your date. Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high? Me: You really aren't my kid are you?

Publisher: Mike we can't accept your children's book. It's far too stupid for even the stupidest child. me: It was supposed to be for adults

*toddler screaming in car seat* Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home. Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

"Don't put it on my plate if you don't want me to eat it!" - me to my kid, who's crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can't find her baby, don't offer to help her make another one.

Don't look at me like that, Barbie. We're both stuck in this playhouse. Just drink your tea. The toddler will tell us what to do next.

Toddler tech support: "Did you try throwing it and crying?"

How to get out of a bad date. 1. Pull fake baby out of your bag. 2. Tell your date to help pick a name. 3. Start taking family photos.

There's a crying baby on my bus and I'm all "shut up baby, you're not the one going to work."

I can only handle so much of a screaming kid on a long car ride before I pull over, take them off the roof, and let them back in.

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I'll just hang out with my toddler.

My wife wants to have another kid. That's like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, "I think we better turn around."

I say "Hey man, I got your back." He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. "Baby got back." I say

Excuse me waiter, I didn't ask for dessert. I asked for DESERT. Now get me a bowl of sand and a baby camel.

Ladies, if Men had PMS they'd get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you're the mom.

"I think that kid's a robot" What? "Look at his mouth" Relax they're just braces *backs away slowly* "That's exactly what a robot would say"

A man across the store just waved & said "Well aren't YOU a cutie pie?" Can't believe he was flirting with me in front of my baby like that.

The kid who would burn his marshmallow to a blackened crisp and say "this is how I like it!" is in prison now

every time you say the word "turnt" a baby gets run over by a smart car