Kids Jokes

Oliver Twist: "Please sir, I want some more!?" Manger: "Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?"

How much of this "no more tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

Parenting: 1st kid: Document their every move 2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

An evil villain is on the loose Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again? [giant kid with magnifying glass emerges] Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

[first date] Her: know what you're getting yet? Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus. Her: oh, you have a kid at home? Me: no.

I doubt anyone's actually "dying" from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby...

british cops are calld "bobbys"& dont hav guns. i kno a kid in 3rd grade named bobby who has no gun. hes basically a cop if he go to england

"I won't vaccinate my kids! It's not healthy and full of dangerous preservatives!!!" *gives kid a pop tart for breakfast*

It doesn't matter how hard you think you are. When a toddler hands you their ringing toy cell phone, you'll still answer it.

The baby's trying to eat the poinsettia again Well, maybe we should get rid of it The plant? But we just got it . . .Haha yeah, the plant

i hope toy story 3 is about woody and buzz trying to save the asian child workers that made them.

"Go out there, kid! Make a name for yourself-" JAMARCUS McTHUNDERNUGGETS THE THIRD "Trent that's not really what i-" It's Jamarcus now

if you press "up down up down left right left right" on the soft spot of the baby's head, they do a super move.

I'd rather have a crying baby on my flight than a white dude who just did a trip to thailand and cant stop talking about it

when I was a little kid, my mom told me I could do anything when I grew up. that's why I'm suing her

Sorry I said, "Whoa, hope he's good at math." when you showed me your kid's finger painting.

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler. Me: ...I thought her arm was on fire. Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

The ACLU has informed me that Mother's Day is too inclusive. So Happy Everyone Gay Pride AIDS Awareness Aboriginal Illegitimate Child Day!

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a human baby." Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned "Corn-fed organic of course, I'm not a monster."

Auto correct changed "absence" to "absinthe" and now my kid's school won't let me be on the PTA.

[approaches parent with child on a leash] "Mind if I pet your dog?" Hey that's my son! "Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?"

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play? Pregnant wife: No, honey. She's not ready yet. 3-year-old: Wife: 3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

You kick one baby and everyone's like "That's not a football" and "He's not breathing, call 911." Draaaaaama.