Kids Jokes

Why would you name your human child Hunter? Hunter is a profession. That's like naming your kid Dentist.

My baby's sick. We used rectal thermometer on him & he didn't even mind. Looks like we might have a little choreographer on our hands.

my dad always makes fun of me for taking selfies all the time but if he didn't want such a beautiful child he should've kept it in his pants

The cat's in the cradle....OMG. It ate the baby.

Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

When I was a child someone shot me with a flare gun and I've been absolutely fabulous ever since

Your baby was cute until I realized you're on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

Keep a baby with you at all times in case you need to throw it at someone who tries to arrest you.

Teen smoking is down 35 percent from when I was a kid. Unfortunately, so is teen "coolness."

If you count a little kid on another kid's shoulders under a trench coat as two people, then I have had TWO boyfriends

Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying "Cute doggie" and realizing it's their kid

Brother: Do you want to come over to see the new baby? Me: Does it have wifi?

[sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance] "NO KID, WAIT- [it starts raining buckets of pee]

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"

Wife has been adding a little baby oil to her baths, which is cool because I have always wanted to quickly be laying down in the shower.

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I've lost 17,000 pounds.

You can spray tan a baby if you want to, it's not illegal.

"Can I maim myself with it?" - my toddler's mental checklist before deciding to play with something

Worst Possible Baby Name: Adolf Judas Kardashian.

I'd like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

honey the ppl of atlantis lost an entire city & thats like 2000x bigger than a baby so idk if all this yellin is necessary

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like "Dude, ask your Mom. I still can't figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn't."