[kidnapper hands wife phone] "brent" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

How come when a child shouts "This is dumb" at a wedding it's considered cute, but when I do it, I'm immediately replaced by another priest?

Taught the 5yo to say "totes magotes" to annoy my husband who can't figure out why the kid keeps yelling, "COACH MY GOATS, DAD!" Nailed it.

My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today. He is survived by his wife Linda. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.