[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on] moth driving: omg moth wife: Harold no we have a baby moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

[wife leaving for the weekend] "Baby formula is in the cupbo--" "I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad's funeral."

My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we're born 8 y/o daughter: Wife: ZACK!