Kids Jokes

I feel like grabbing a random kid by the shoulders and screaming "I'm you from the future!"

Teach a man to fish & you have fed him for a lifetime. Teach your kid to make a good martini & you won't give a crap about fish or men.

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

[cemetery] *priest says a final prayer* *harambe's casket is lowered into the ground* *toddler falls in*

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him ME: ok [drives to hospital] ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

Parents: It's unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you're not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

Sorry I took the little stringy things off my banana and put them on your baby's head to make it look like he had hair.

Today marks a full year of keeping the baby alive. Now I want a goldfish

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make your little girl cry! But if she's gonna have those ears, she's gonna need a sense of humor.

Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid. *Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger* Get off my lawn before I call the cops

[CAVE] BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures! DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.

1st baby: you make sure he's breathing every five minutes 2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don't even notice

Just because your kid says, "You're my hero" does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

Her: "My baby paints with her food because she's artistic." Me: "That or your baby paints with her food because she's a goddamn baby."

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn't the lady who's baby I stole.

Taking their kid to a PG-13 movie must be a tough call for 13 year old mothers.

KID:I drew you a picture! ME:What's this? KID:Our house. ME:What's the orange stuff? KID:Fire. ME:Why's the house on fire? KID:I wanna PS4.

If you're a pregnant teenage white girl and you don't name your child Pumpkin Spice Latte you are wasting everyone's time.

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

[sees kid crying in the mall] "What's wrong?" "I'm lost." "You're in the mall you little idiot."

I don't wanna ruffle any feathers here, but... *blows gently on a baby duck*

Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn't oblivious to my Italian bloodline.

JUDGE: So to be clear, you're pleading not guilty to stealing the child's shoes? ME: [heelies up to the mic] That's correct