Kids Jokes

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

Baby showers are so weird. It's like "hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system".

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage* *Buys Magic 8 Ball* *Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

When punching a toddler, how hard is too hard? Calm down... I'm not talking about MY kid. I know how hard to punch her. I'm her mother.

Crazy sister put: "I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly" on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they're trying to catch her.

No ageism? A baby seated in a tall wooden throne at this cafe just shattered a vase of flowers unprompted & was then told how handsome he is

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

In the old days you could send your kid to the store with a note to get your cigarettes. Now they need a mask and a knife.

I've only got a few more weeks to convince my wife that our baby's middle name should be Underscore.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase "Sleep like a baby."

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.

A Girl on Twitter, finally gave birth,Now she's been tweeting her baby pics every 20min & Makes me feel I am raising her child with my Data

"Some people say I'm an animal in the sack." - baby kangaroo

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me. Guard: Oh, we're not electrocuting you... *college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head Me: that's a really great, floppy little head you've got there. Well done

After watching how stressful it was for Clark Kent's dad, I don't know if I could adopt a kid from a blown-up planet.

I've slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

in kindergarden i pooped my pants and got insanely mad when another kid asked me about it, and that's also the president's PR strategy

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

1970s: "Hey baby" 1990s: "Hey babe" 2014: "Hey bae" 2020: "Hey b" 2030: "All hail our glorious squirrel overlords"

My iPhone corrects "WHOA" to "WHOSE", which just made my text response to "I JUST HAD A BABY!!!" a little awkward.

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*