Kids Jokes

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

did you know if you throw a baby at a random group of people someone will always catch it so far

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter. Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn't burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you? - My toddler, wooing the dog

My small child told me his opinion on politics and I disowned him for being a nerd

911: What's your emergency? Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?! 911: Be cool Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead

When I was a kid, I thought Reader's Digest recommended the best books to eat

Hush little baby, Don't say a word. Daddy's gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn't have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.

I shot a man in Reno, Just to watch him cry. It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

So my 10yr old & her friends were talkin about 'seizures' in class & this random kid yells out 'I LOVE their breadsticks!' Can I adopt him?

When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young!!

You ever see your kid looking so dirty at school and don't wanna pick him up? I just drove pass mine now like, 'Hell no, that is not my kid'

[baby is bouncing in swing seat] I I wish I had one of those. HER DAD They bring great joy. I (to self) Oh, he thinks I mean a baby.

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there's still poo Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

Maybe don't show me a picture if you don't want me to rate your baby.

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's cheat and murder for insurance money like they do on Investigation Discovery Channel.

Back when I was a kid we stared at the wall when we took a shit and we liked it!

Don't blame me for acting like a baby, I was born that way.

My toddler is learning to speak so I'm trying to teach him some phrases for social success. Things like "true dat" and "pass the gravy."

Just bought Colgate mouthwash 'cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it's fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

When other parents at the playground ask me things about my baby I say, "I don't know. I just kidnapped her."

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don't want to eat dumplings.