Kids Jokes

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you're about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

Can't, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

When someone has a baby, I'm just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

[kidnapper hands wife phone] "brent" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

George Clooney looks that way because when he was a kid he kept making handsome faces and it stuck that way. No, don't stare.

[class trip] I'm farmer Joe, this is my farm DO U HAVE COWS? Yes, it's a dairy farm DO U HAVE WHALES? Kid, why wouldn't we have whales?

"Child rearing" sounds like something that'll get you life in prison.

You're not really a parent until you swat blindly into the backseat, hoping to connect with a kid.

"Good parenting isn't giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself" I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

I should've been a child star so I could've gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now.

Can't afford Sea World, so I took my kid to a fish market. Me: 'Shhh, they're asleep' 'Mom, they're breaded' Me: 'That's their blankie'

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

gf: Daddy me: don't call me that it's creepy gf: Sorry Baby me: that's better

How to open new toy: 1. Cut tape with machete. 2. Take shot. 3. Undo 23,518 twist ties. 4. Take 3 shots. 5. Watch child play with box.

As a child whenever I asked my parents to close the closet at night they always said. "Why? Anything that could kill you can open that door"

*pets a skeleton* u used to b a baby

Jus made the jerk off motion at a baby because his mom is using coupons.

Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up... Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough. Gynecologist: Um, your legs

If a child's survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child's funeral.

KID: Why's the sky blue DAD: It's sad MOM: Light refraction DAD: ... MOM: ... DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

The hay in baby Jesus's manger came from Christian Bales.

My mf kid poured a bag of Cheerios crumbs in my bed like she saw the horse head in godfather and thought I can beat that

"Mr Bush, do you want my coke?" "Yeah sure" *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away* "Hey kid...catch" *kid turns around to see incoming plane*

Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.

Seriously, this is the last time I trust a baby with firearms.