Kids Jokes

Just found out that "3 Men and a Baby" isn't a movie about Jesus's birth.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say "Sure".

Dog Park Kid: What's his name? Me: Dorito. He's a therapy taco. Don't pet him. Kid:*Throws Ball* Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

The Karate Kid grew up to be The Karate Man and now he's the Pizza Hut delivery guy with a ponytail who tries to talk to you about swords.

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.

If you don't want to play with me I'll just play with myself! - Overheard in 2nd grade today... Me too kid, me too.

A child's purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

When I was a kid 'friends with benefits' meant that kid had a nintendo.

Papa Bear: I wish he'd Mackle more. Mama Bear: I wish he'd Mackle less. Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

Sorry for writing "I guess u moved on haha" under that ultrasound photo of your baby.

If my kid vanished on a plane like in that Jodie Foster movie I'd spend maybe 2-3 hrs enjoying the legroom & quiet before I started looking.

LISTEN LADY IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ME SITTING ON YOUR BABY YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE CALLED ASKING FOR A BABYSITTER

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

- Baby, I can't sleep. - And it was pissing you off that I could?

Aw look he's about to say his first words! "Say dada!" *baby opens mouth* Here it comes! *airhorn noise*

Unless you're a toddler heading towards traffic I'm not running after you.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your 'child'.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate.

I bet the LAPD gets a lot of calls about "a lost, lonely-looking little girl" that turn out to be David Spade walking home.

You don't realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

Me: Baby I know you had a long day so I drew you a bath Her: Ah I can't wait to take it *hands her paper* Me: I used your eyeliner pencil

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that? Hiker: THAT'S A BABY. YB: And I'm a talking bear. Hiker: YB: Hiker: YB: So where are we on that baby?

The final season of Jersey Shore will feature all your favorite characters - The Situation, Snooki, the Department of Child Services. . .

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it's Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.