Kids Jokes

Watched an old man pay in all quarters and my only thought was "he must keep all the money he pulls from behind kid's ears"

"youre acting like a big baby" wow great observation dipshit i am basically a baby that has aged a lot and gained weight. we all are

I've tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

I don't feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" said mommy bear. "Who hasn't" muttered daddy bear. "What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!"

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone's kid, and a headache

[meeting GF's mom] Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I'm overselling this, aren't I?

A good way to meet a lot of cops is to put a "Baby On Board" sticker on a picnic basket tied to a motorcycle.

Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you're an intelligent cry baby.

You'd think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

*at church* "Does anyone have anything else for the offering basket?" I OFFER MY FIRST BORN CHILD "Jim no"

Quick: how do you un-shake a baby?

When carrying a sleeping child to bed in the dark, make sure all intervening doors are open. Babies make cranky, ineffective battering rams.

People always say "Wow, your baby looks so much like you," as though it's supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.

My parents are pretty middle aged. "So? That's pretty norm-" *two knights bust in* "CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?"

"He's 24 months old." 2 Your child is 2

I don't like when guys says stuff like "i waited my whole life to meet this woman". It's like no you didn't. You weren't a romantic toddler.

Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name, I always say he hasn't told us yet.

shout out to the little girl at the zoo earlier who said "when I grow up I want to be bamboo"

Facebook made billions by saying "Hey, remember that kid you haven't seen since the third grade? He's a parent who hates Obama now."

SPOILER ALERT: In the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting," it's a baby. You're expecting a baby.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

confession time "hogwarts" is a super gross thing to name a school and as a child I kinda hoped it would get destroyed because of that

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would've named it Carl.

I'm just gonna put an egg under my kid's pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must've went out drinking the night before.