Kids Jokes

Oh, I can't check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You're saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy. Let your child play the tuba. Tuba players never get laid.

My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid's these days...

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it's a baby not a forcefield

"You think I'm smart, right?" Not tonight baby, I'm too tired to fight. Annnd that's how the fight started.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

The only upside to Trump's big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy's Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

baby i put the STD in stud now all i need is u

I would pay so much money to watch the Harlem Globetrotters change a baby.

"Google, how long will my trip to Cleveland take? "Your trip will take 5 hours" "Google, I have a child. "Your trip will take 9 hours".

When I was a kid we didn't add flavor to our medicine and it tasted like shit but we liked it because we liked being not dead.

I'll never be as horrified as the kid who suddenly realizes they've been following the wrong "mom butt" at the grocery store.

My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today. He is survived by his wife Linda. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.

Bear: *lowers sunglasses. Is it *beary* serious? Cops:...Ok that's funny but but you mauled a child so yes. You have to go back to the zoo.

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

Hello sir. Your toddler called me a 'stinky poopyhead' at the store. I've spent 6 days formulating a comeback, and I'd like to own him now.

A Christian telling an atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they wont get any presents from Santa

I can't have been the only one who was confused by the Rosa Parks story as a kid, on a basis of "the cool kids sit in the back of the bus."

Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they're bars and she's an old timey prisoner with a tin mug

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won't stop talking to me and I think I've made a horrible mistake.

My kid keeps getting his pants leg wrapped in the chain of his bike, it's a vicious cycle.

Is my kid an official US Citizen if she just talked about how good the ranch dressing at the Cheesecake Factory is for 10mins?

Dear women who just gave birth, Stop naming your child 'Khalessi'. Sincerely, The rest of the human race

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.