I'm just gonna put an egg under my kid's pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must've went out drinking the night before.

I call McDonald's to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

CHRISTMAS TIP: When your kid starts asking questions about whether Santa is real, just tell him to shut up.