Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it's delicious.

"Baby last night you were so hot, let's do it all over again this morning." -me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler's hand and scream "NOT TODAY SATAN!"