When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young!!

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I'm like 'Well, your Dad's an alcoholic. Scram!'

Every time you hire a clown for a kid's birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

kid doctor: [looking over charts] im not going to lie this is the worst case of cooties ive ever seen little girl: he said he'd been tested!