Engineer Jokes

A Calculus joke Verbatim from what my professor just showed in one of my engineering classes: e^x and a constant are walking down the street together when the constant sees a differential operator coming their way. He starts to run away, and e^x asks "Why are you running away?" The constant answers, "That's a differential operator. If it acts on me, I'll disappear." e^x says "I'm e^x, I don't have anything to worry about," and keeps walking. When he reaches the differential operator, he says …

Satan's engineer An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan…

Who designed the human body? Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Princess and the Frog - er, *Engineer* and the frog An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What…

A physicist, an engineer, a mathematician, and a statistician were all staying at the same hotel. One night, the physicist wakes up to see that his trash can is on fire. He quickly grabs a bucket of water and puts the fire out. The engineer is also sleeping and wakes up to see that his trash can is on fire as well. He pulls out his calculator and calculates the exact amount of water necessary to put the fire out. He then proceeds to actually put the fire out. The mathematician likewise wakes …

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are riding in a car... when it breaks down. The mechanical engineer speaks up and says, "It must be the engine!" The electrical engineer says, "No, it must be the wiring." The software engineer finally speaks up and says, "Guys, guys... Let's just all get completely out of the car and then get back in."

A programmer and a software engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight... The programmer leans over to the software engineer and asks if he would like to play a game. The software engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and great fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $10. Then you ask me a question, an…

Intrepid Engineer A Christian, a Muslim, and an engineer are sentenced to die at the guillotine. The Christian goes first but when the executioner pulls the lever to release the blade, the blade suddenly stops halfway down the track with a loud "boing." "Praise the Lord," the Christian exults, "who in his divine grace has saved me!" The executioner, impressed, tells him he is free to leave. Next up, the Muslim puts his head in the machine and the executioner pulls the lever. Again, th…

A sciencey joke for y'all. An American nuclear engineer is talking with a Japanese nuclear engineer about a new material they're planning on using for gamma radiation shielding. The Japanese engineer asks if he can see it in action, so the American takes a piece of iron about 3 inches thick and puts in front of a gamma source. The American pulls up the data for the counts detected by the gamma detector on the other side of the iron. The American says, "So, on a scale of one to ten, we'll call …

A pretty girl walks into a mathematician's and engineer's lab... ... and says she will bang whichever of them shows the most athletic or intelligent talent. Since they are equally smart, they decide to go 3/5 on a few different exercises at the gym. The first exercise is chin-ups, which the engineer wins. The second is long jump, which the mathematician wins. The third is squats, which the engineer fails in a matter of seconds. It is clear to the engineer when the reach the fourth event, short…

Lets make a circle! One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it. The Mathematician just laughed…

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's …

An engineer sees a fellow engineer on a new bike... An engineer was walking along one day when another engineer friend of his rides up on a brand new bicycle. "That is an awesome bike. Where did you get it?" He asks. "Well," his friend replied "It was the strangest thing. I was sitting on a bench in the park, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, got off the bike and then took all of her clothes off right in front of me! Then she said 'Take what you want!'" The first eng…

A Mathematician and an Engineer... A mathematician and an engineer are standing about 20 feet away from an absolutely gorgeous blonde woman who is eyeing them both seductively. She says to them, "Every time you approach me, you may only travel half the distance between us. Will you ever reach me?" The mathematicitian says, "No, I'd never be able to reach you." The engineer smiles and says, "Close enough."

4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion..... One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became. No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari. No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet. No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle. No …

Four Majors... The science major asks "Why does it work?" The engineering major asks "How does it work?" The business major asks "How much will it cost?" The liberal arts major asks "Do you want fries with that?"

An Engineer was jobless for long time... He could not find a job so he opens a clinic and puts a board outside.. get treatment for $50, if not treated get back $100. One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $100 and goes to clinic. Doctor : I have lost taste in eating Engineer : Nurse , bring medicine from box no 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth. Patient (Doctor) : This is Petrol Engineer : Congrats.. you got your taste back ..give me $50 Doctor gets annoyed, goes back …

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic.. An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engin…

Three engineers are debating what kind of engineer designed the human body The first says "It has to be an electric engineer! The nervous system resembles some fantastic electrical work!" The second says "It was obviously a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints throughout the human body." The third says "It was a civil engineer! Who else would put a waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

What's the difference between a physicist and an engineer? An engineer and a physicist are roommates. One day a fire starts in the kitchen. The engineer is the only one home. He hears the alarm jumps out of bed grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall and puts out the fire and goes back to bed. The next night a fire starts in the kitchen again. This time the physicist is the only one home. The physicist gets out of bed and sees the fire. He looks at the wall and sees a fire extinguishe…

The Divorced Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had been divorced five times. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married five times?" "Well, Jim was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be but didn't know how to close. Kevin was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Edward was an engineer; he und…

An Irishman and a Norwegian apply for the same job. The job they're applying for is at an engineering firm in Dublin. Both the Irishman and the Norwegian do so well in the interview the boss can't decide who to hire, so he sets up a small aptitude test. Both men again score the same. 19/20 correct. After some waiting the boss comes through and says to the Irishman: "I'm sorry but on this occasion we've decided to hire the Norwegian" The Irishman angered by this says "Surely, me being Irish wou…

A world-class engineer dies after a long and happy life. When he goes to be judged at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter accidentally screws up his papers and sends him to hell. Satan is more than happy to have him, as he doesn't get many engineers and could put this guy to some great use. With the engineer's help, Satan makes renovation after renovation and increases the efficiency and quality of all of the workings of Hell beyond what he ever dreamed. Meanwhile, God is checking over al of Saint P…

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason... and are sentenced to beheading by guillotine. On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed. The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gives him two options: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be face up or face down. So the mathematician says "Wel…

Engineer Jokes! **#1** An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! …