Engineer Jokes

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to …

A group of engineering professors board a plane to a conference... After they are all seated in their row, the flight attendants announce that their students were the ones that built the plane they were sitting in. The professors jump out of their seats and run to the door in a panic. When they notice one professor stayed seated, they ask him "why are you so calm right now?" The engineer answers "If I know my students well, and they really did build this plane, then I can say with 100% certaint…

Three Engineers are Discussing God So, three engineers are sitting around a table at lunch, discussing God. The first engineer says, "I think God must be a mechanical engineer." and proceeds to explain in depth how only a mechanical engineer could've built the muscle and skeletal system to work so beautifully together. The second engineer says "No, my guess is that he's an electrical engineer" and proceeds to describe how only an Electrical engineer could run an entire body off of such a sma…

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?" Satan…

The engineer that went to hell. One day an engineer died and went to hell. He was a good Christian man who never sinned but Saint Peter made a mistake and accidentally sent him to hell. In hell the engineer thought to himself, "gee, it sure is hot in here", and so he built some air-conditioning. Then he thought, "I sure am thirsty", and built a brewery and started making beer. Later God and Saint Peter were reviewing the list of people who had died recently and God noticed that Peter had …

What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist? The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow. The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.

If God were an engineer... 3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?" The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sure!" The Electrical Engineer: "No way. Electrical. Look at that brain! All the nerves, neurons, every little electrical impulse that ties it together! Must've been Electrical! T…

If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect. You have to recall everything.

Reaching the end of a job interview.. Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of sa…

Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting. They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far. The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"

Most Intelligent But Funniest An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer... ...were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.

An optimist says the glass is half full, a pessimist says the glass is half empty... ... an engineer just points out that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

The Truth About Managers A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: :Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.” “You must…

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of t…

It's November 10th 1823, Paris, France... And 3 prisoners are to be executed on the public squared that day; An artist, a cook and an engineer. The artists walks up to the guillotine bows down and prays to god. The burrow releases the blade and it stops 10 centimeters above the artist's head. They try and try but the blade won't fall all the way down. The artists looks up and says "If the guillotine doesn't work, it's god's will that I continue to paint." The burrow has no other option and rele…

An engineer goes to hell... An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand desi…

A Golfer invites his friends over... A golfer invited a minister, a doctor and an engineer to play golf at his club. After a few holes, one guest said "That foursome ahead of us is really slow. They're all over the fairway, they're in the rough, four-putting holes...couldn't we ask to play through?" The host replied "No, we don't like to do that. Those guys are blind. They have a special pro who helps them line up shots, and our club lets them play free." The minister said "Why that's marvelo…

Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is... Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5 Ask an engineer and he'll say 4 Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"

One explanation for the gender wage gap is that men typically gravitate towards higher paying jobs like doctor, engineer, CEO... ... While women tend to gravitate towards lower paying jobs like female doctor, female engineer and female CEO. All credit to Jeremy McClellan @jeremymcclellan on Twitter and crosspost from r/standupshots Edit: I just made checked, and this subreddit is r/jokes right?

AN ENGINEER, DOCTOR, AND PASTOR GOLFING A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind…

A father has three sons. One is an accountant, one is an engineer and the other is a lawyer... The father asks each of his three sons the same question, "what does two plus two equal?" The accountant son answers, "four point zero zero." The engineer son answers "somewhere between 3.9999 and 4.0001." Finally, the father asks his son the lawyer "what does two plus two equal?". The lawyer pulls his father into the other room and closes the door. He then closes the blinds and motions for his fat…

Three Lawyers and Three Engineers were Traveling by Train to Conference At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them. "How are you going to travel on a single ticket?" asked a lawyer. "Wait and watch" answered one of the engineers. When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocke…

The Unemployed Engineer An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You'…

A software engineer walks into a bar. He sits down and sees the bartender yelling at the computer when trying to process a customer's order. "Why are you yelling at the computer?" the engineer asks. "Nothing is working! The software on the computer is riddled with bugs!" responds the bartender. The engineer takes a look at the computer and notices the software it is running was actually written by himself a few years earlier. Immediately, he gets offended. "Those aren't bugs!" the engineer …