Engineer Jokes

Salary Theorem: The less you know, the more money you'll earn (PROVEN INSIDE!) “Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People.” This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: 1. Knowledge is Power. 2. Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Since: Knowledge = Power Time = Money It follows that: Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: …

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip... ... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 …

Engineers How do you tell if an engineer is an extrovert? They look at *your* shoes while they talk to you.

Engineering Joke Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

An engineer dies and arrives at the pearly gates... St. Paul sees him and says - 'Engineer? You're not welcome here - beat it!'. The engineer arrives in hell, and is immediately dissatisfied with his living conditions. After making several improvements, hell has flushing toilets, running water, escalators and even air conditioning. One day, God calls up Satan down in hell, and asks, with a sneer, 'Hey, how are things going down there?' Satan responds, 'Oh things are great. We've got an engineer…

One More For All The Philosophy Majors Out There The Physics major asks: How does it work? The Engineering major asks: How do you build it? The Accounting major asks: How much will it cost? The Philosophy major asks: Do you want fries with that?

My Indian engineering teacher told us this today Growing up in America, you've probably heard your parents say, "Eat your food, there are starving children in India." But I tell my children, "Do your math homework or an Indian child will eat your food."

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.” You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist. “I am,” re…

What Engineer Designed The Human Body? Four engineers are arguing over who designed the human body. The mechanical engineer points to the ways the bones, the muscles, and the tendons are joined together and move so smoothly and efficiently, and claims it must have been a mechanical engineer. The electrical engineer diagrams the central and peripheral nervous systems and maintains that it would take an electrical engineer. The hydraulic engineer insists that only a hydraulic engineer could be…

Please join me. My daughter an I did this for hours one day. Zombie phlebotomist, veinnnnns. Zombie engineer, traaaaiiins. Zombie Dixie Chicks fan, Natalie Maiiiinns.

Morality stories A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?…

A physicist, engineer, and a mathematician are in a hotel... A physicist, engineer, and a mathematician are in a hotel in 3 separate rooms. All 3 of their waste paper baskets catch on fire and wake them up from their humble slumber. The physicist sees the fire and thinks quickly! He calculates the amount of water needed to put out the fire, and douses it with water. The fire goes out and he goes back to bed. The engineer sees the fire and thinks quickly! He draws, designs, and constructs a la…

Manager at work told me this one the other day. This is for all my fellow engineers! A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude,…

They say there's no opinions in science But I've seen people get real heated over thermochemistry And they really melt down when you bring up nuclear engineering Have you seen how twisted people get when it comes to DNA? Cartography is the worst, people are just all over the map You should see how hormonal people get about endocrinology You can really feel the pressure in the room when someone brings up hydraulics.

There was a male engineer on a cruise ship... There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No people, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some…

Two engineering students were biking... Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Engineers and Lawyers One day, an engineer died and went to heaven. But, St. Peter said "I can't let you in because your name is not on the list." So the engineer went down to Hell and was let in. Well, he stayed there for a couple of days and then decided that, it was too hot and everything was inaccessible. So he built flushing toilets, air conditioning, running water and a lot of other things. One day God calls down and says to Satan, "So Satan, how's it down there in hell?? " and Satan says…

My math-oriented co-worker just broke this one out A man stumbles upon a frog while walking home. While looking at the frog, it starts to speak to him. "Hello!", it says, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful woman!" The man smiles, puts the frog into his pocket and continues on his way. A few hours later, he hears the voice of the frog, and takes it out to see what it wants. "Remember, If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful woman. I will stay the night with you!" The man smile…

An Italian fella Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons: "I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!" "I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!" "But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!" Paolo, his friend asks: "What's a Sports Mechanic?" Lorenzo replies: "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he …

A woman says to her engineer husband... "Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six." A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?" "They had eggs."

Hot Air Balloon A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the ballo…

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. ”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. ”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. All of them board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has d…

Enjoyed this joke from r/EngineeringStudents A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be …

Insurance A lawyer and an engineer were discussing insurance. "You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance." says the engineer. "The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the lawyer, "but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?"

A programmer and an engineer A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, y…