Engineer Jokes

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The Doctor said ""It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helpd with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman. ""No,"" said the rabbi. ""It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world. ""Wait,"" Said the engineer ""The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engin…

Q: Why did the engineer drive the backwards? A: He had a loco motive.

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. ""Hey bartender"" said the Engineer, ""I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."" The bartender responded, ""I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."" ""Well, you'd better because if it weren't for …

A sculptor, a civil engineer and a computer scientist were arguing about the primacy of their professions. ""God created man out of clay,"" said the sculptor, ""and so was clearly a sculptor."" ""Before that,"" said the engineer, ""He separated earth and waters from the chaos -- an immense feat of civil engineering. God was an engineer first."" ""And how do you think,"" answered the computer scientist, ""the chaos was made?""

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So, the engineer reports to the gates of Hell, and checks in. After a few days, the engineer becomes very dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and decides to do something about it. He designs and builds many improvements, and pretty soon they have air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan, on the telep…

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing dev…

Why did the engineer drive the backwards? He had a loco motive.

Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Since: Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work/Time, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowl…

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer getsdissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designingand building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning andflush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,""So, how's it going down there in hell?"" Satan replies, ""Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning andflush toilets and escalators, and …

Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk? He wanted to work overtime.

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department: 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO. 3. If your uncle builds a still which operate…

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the mi…

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times. The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle. ""Why a thermos bottle?"" the others asked. ""Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."" ""Y…

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the pas…

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him …

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Ea…

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: ""How much for Engineer brain?"" ""3 dollars an ounce."" ""How much for other generic profession brain?"" ""4 dollars an ounce."" ""How much for lawyer brain?"" ""100 dollars an ounce."" ""Why is lawyer brain so much more?"" ""Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?""

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, ""I like both."" ""Both?"" they asked. Engineer: ""Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other…

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: ""Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."" Bubba asked: ""And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me …

To the Engineer To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Q: Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk? A: He wanted to work overtime.

On a late working night, three engineers are sitting around in the office discussing the nature of the universe. ""You know,"" says the first one, ""God is a mechanical engineer at heart. Just look at the human skeleton. It's one of the most marvelous physical structures ever devised."" ""Sure, the skeleton is pretty impressive, but it's nothing compared to the brain"", says the second one. ""It is, without a doubt, the most extraordinary information processing device the universe has ever seen.…

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the eng…

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, ""Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"" ""Well,"" replies the other, ""I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' "" ""Good choice,"" says the first, ""her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.""

A pastor a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our cl…