Engineer Jokes

An unemployed engineer... if ( engineer == employed() ) { print ""Meh""; } else { make_a_stupid_joke (); }

A guy wanted to calculate volume of a red rubber ball... There was a guy who wanted to know how to calculate the volume of a red rubber ball. He first took it to a mathematician, who measured its radius and used the formula V=4/3*pi*r^3 to find it's volume. Next, our man went to a physicist, who immersed the ball in a bowl full of water. He then measured the amount of water which overflowed and calculated the volume of the ball. Still not satisfied, our man takes the ball to a mechanical enginee…

Why did the train engineer go on a rampage? He had a loco-motive.

My dad's dad joke a few moments ago My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, he has lost a lot of memory and quite a bit of his cognitive abilities and furthermore, his balance. However, when I took out the trash tonight at nearly half past …

A man finds an old bottle. He starts rubbing off the dust... ... when a genie appears. ""You have one wish,"" says the genie. ""One wish? I thought it was three wishes,"" said the man. ""That's only in stories,"" replied the genie. ""One wish is all you get."" ""Well..."", started the man, who was an American, ""I've always wanted to go to Australia but I'm scared of flying. I wish for a bridge across the Pacific Ocean so I can drive there."" ""I said wishes not miracles,"" replied the genie. ""…

Most bizarre suicide. ""On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten- story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at th…

Three Apple Engineers and three Microsoft Employees are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft Employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple Engineers buy only a single ticket. ""How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?"" asks a Microsoft Employee. ""Watch and you'll see,"" answers the Apple Engineer. They all board the train. The Microsoft Employees take their respective seats but all three Apple Engineers cram into a restroom and clos…

An engineer a physicist and an actuary are on a stranded island... The have nothing but cans of beans. The engineer says, let's build a contraption that will drop a rock on the can at an angle that will open the can. The actuary says that the beans will spill everywhere. The physicist says, let's build a fire, heat up the cans of beans so that they expand. The actuary says, the cans will explode and we won't be able to collect them. The actuary goes, why don't we just assume we have a can opener…

Engineer A ship was malfunctioning so they called in a guy to fix it. The guy went down into the engine room, and returned 2 minutes later saying it was fixed, so they started it up and it worked, and the owner asked how much it was going to cost, and the price was 10,000$ ""Thats ridiculous, I need an itemized list of the expenses!"" said the owner. the list read: *Tapping pipe - 1$* *Knowing where to tap 9999$*

Understanding Engineers An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, ""If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."" He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, ""If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."" Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, ""What is the matter? I've told you I'…

What's the difference between a physicist and an engineer A physicist says ""E = mc^2"", an engineer asks ""How much mass we talkin?""

Understanding Engineers Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, ""It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."" Another said, ""No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."" The last one said, ""No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?""

Job Interview to a Young Engineer Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, ""And what starting salary are you looking for?"" The engineer replies, ""In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."" The interviewer inquires, ""Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of sa…

Three engineers There are three engineers heading to their college reunion in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. The car breaks down along the way for seemingly no reason. The electrical engineer suggests testing the electronics of the car and attempt to find out if a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting stopped up. Then, the Microsoft engineer, comes up with a ""Microsoft Solut…

(New version) How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to genetically engineer people small enough to fit in a light bulb, and two to do the rest.

A man brings 3 scientists into a large room... ...a biologist, an engineer, and a physicist. In corner of the room is an elephant, and nothing else. The man tells the scientists ""If you can correctly identify this animal, I will give you $50,000"". He lets each of the scientists examine the animal, and then separates them. The man first asks the biologist, ""What is this animal?"". The biologist responds ""That is an African Elephant, *Loxodonta africana*"". The biologist takes his $50,000 and …

Software Engineer's Interview **Note - This isn't really much of a joke but it think its funny enough to post here** ***Interviewer***: your father is a farmer. But you opted for the software industry. Why? ***Interviewee*** (Try saying this in a really strong indian accent) : That is because, after a great consideration and consultation.....I came to the conclusion that this socialist illusion was a great botheration to the Indian nation whose basic occupation was cultivation and irrigation. Bu…

A French Execution A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are awaiting execution. The priest is first to go and is put into the guillotine. The blade drops and two feet away from his neck it stops, stuck. The priest proclaims it a miracle from on high and is immediately released. Next up is the lawyer, placed face-down on the guillotine ready to die. Again the machine fails two feet from his neck. ""According to your laws, since you failed to execute me, I must be let go"", and he is. Finally the en…

Laughter From the Pearly Gates An engineer dies and presents himself at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets And escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy One day, God calls Satan and says: ""…

An engineer and a mathematician... An engineer and a mathematician are subjects of a behavioral test. The engineer is led into a room where there is a faucet, an empty bucket, and a trash can on fire. She fills the empty bucket from the faucet and dumps it into the burning trash can, extinguishing the fire. The technicians reset the room and the mathematician is led into the room. He sees the same situation as the engineer and takes the same course of action: extinguishing the fire with the buck…

An artist, an engineer, and a civil planner are arguing about God's occupation by observing the human body. The artist says, ""God is an artist. You only need to see the beautiful shapes of our muscles, the rich colors of our skin, the textures of our hair to see that."" The engineer says, ""God is a engineer. You only need to see the wonders of the human body and its ability to grow and rebuild itself, the perfect mechanisms of its joints, its balance and speed and grace to see that."" The civi…

Three dogs and their owners are at the veterinarian's office ...waiting for their respective appointments. The vet goes into the waiting room and says to the dog owners, ""I bet I can tell you what each of you does for a living if you let me spend a few minutes with your dogs."" The owners, intrigued by the prospect, agree. The vet takes the dogs into his exam room and returns only five minutes later. He says to the first dog owner, ""Are you an engineer?"" ""Yes I am! How did you know?!?"" ""We…

Three engineers are arguing about which engineering discipline god favors... The first says ""God is an electrical engineer - electricity is fundamental to all life. Electricity is the most transportable, universal energy... it's like the force. Clearly, god is an electrical engineer."" The second pipes up and says ""Nah... god must be a chemical engineer, from the bio-molecular to the materials sciences, the attention to detail needed to just put together the basics for the physical world just …

Lance Armstrong I waited a whole semester to tell this joke to a bunch of engineers. My girlfriend at the time was an engineer and we would end up in the lab with friends all the time. Every now and then when they had to do hand drawn plans the conversational topic came up about mechanical pencils and pens and what drew really well, etc etc. So literally in the middle of the conversation I decide to add my two cents. ""Hey guys, you know if you're going to spend a bunch of money on nice pens and…

Statistician joke An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician all die and go to heaven. When they arrive at the pearly gate St. Peter stops them and says before you pass through I have a simple question for each of you. He turns to the engineer and asks, ""What's 2 + 2""? The engineer pulls out his slide ruler, fumbles it around and says, ""3.9999"". St. Peter is fine with this answer and says, ""Come on in"". He then turns to the physicist and asks the same question, ""What's 2 + 2?"" The phys…