Engineer Jokes

Dr V/s Mechanic An engineer was removing the engine parts from a racing car when he saw a famous heart surgeon in his shop. He went to him & said, ""Look at this engine... I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back. So why do I get such a small salary? and you get huge sums???"" Classic reply by Doctor: The doctor smiled at the engineer, came close to his ear and said, ""Try the same when the engine is running."" The engineer smiled back, came close to doctor's ear a…

So in other news, the New England Patriots have suddenly requestong resumes from VW engineers The Patriots are hoping to find an engineer that can make a ball read within pressure specs when connected to a pressure gauge, even when deflated.

Should I include ""hard working and honest"" in my resume? Applying for a software engineer's role at Volkswagen.

A physicist, mathematician, and engineer go to target practice The engineer is up first and hits 5 inches to the right of the bullseye. The physicist says, ""No no no, you forgot to account for the curvature of the Earth and the wind."" The physicist does his calculations, but misses 5 inches to the left of center. The mathematician yells: ""BULLSEYE! Great job guys!!""

How can you tell when you are talking to an extroverted engineer? They look at your feet instead of theirs.

What is the difference between an engineer, physicist, and a mathematician? An engineer is someone who comes up with equations that model reality. A physicist is someone who comes up with a reality that models their equations. A mathematician doesn't care.

Car Problems An electrical engineer, a chemist and an IT tech guy were driving in a car when it broke down on the side of the highway. The engineer states that it must be something wrong with the wire connectivity that starts the engine. The chemist disagrees and states there is a combustion problem with the fuel. The IT tech guy disagrees and suggests that they all get out of the car and get back in to see if it starts back up.

What does an electric engineer say when they get kicked in the balls? Owch! it hertz

An engineer opens a medical clinic (original) An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: ""A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."" A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: ""I have lost my sense of taste."" Engineer: ""Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" Doctor: ""This is Gasoline!"" Eng…

Engineering in Hell Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; ""It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."" ""Yeah,"" Satan replies. ""All the more for me!"" God replies, ""You better send them up here immediately."" Satan says, ""No way. I'm keeping them."" God says, ""Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."" Satan laughs uproariously, ""Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?""

Two windmills walk into a bar... They had a good moment. ___________________________ Hopefully there's some engineering joke lovers out there :)

QA Engineer Goes To A Bar He orders 1 beer. He orders -1 beer. He orders 644644678 beer. He orders a goat. He orders asdfg.

A priest, a optometrist, and a engineer are playing golf They come across a very slow group of men taking their time. The three guys ask the caddy whats up with the group ahead of them. The explains that they were firefighter who had lost their eyesight saving the clubhouse. The priest says he feels bad and will say a special prayer for them, the optometrist says he'll help them with their vision, the engineer says, ""Why can't they just play at night?""

What did one sub-orbital jet propulsion engineer say to the other? This ain't exactly rocket science.

One of the Most Powerful Jokes in My Engineer Joke Arsenal Note: I shared this joke in an /r/tifu comment, and someone suggested I post it here. I heard this joke from my mom, who is an architect, with an undergraduate degree in engineering. Two engineers meet each other on their way into work. One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it. ""Well,"" the first one says, ""it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, a…

A man is flying in a hot air balloon... A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, ""Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"" The man below says: ""Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."" ""You must be an engineer,"" says the balloonist. ""I am,"" replies the man. ""How did you know?"" ""Well,"" says the balloonist, ""everything you have told me is technically corr…

A software test engineer walks into a bar... He orders a beer He orders two beers He orders 0 beers He orders 999,999,999 beers He orders a tree He orders #@$SDFFA$#@! beers He walks away without paying

How can you tell someone is an engineer? They'll tell you! (Source: am an engineer)

Long Distance flight A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. …

Ground Control I was a Pan Am 552 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard (I don't recall call signs any longer): Lufthansa: (In German) ""Ground, what is our start clearance time?"" Ground: (In English) ""If you want an answer you must speak English."" Lufthansa: (In English) ""I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"" Beautiful En…

What did the Nuclear Engineer get for his birthday? Yellow Cake http://imgur.com/gallery/FGFV1Em/new

Email exchange of a vendor and a glass jar manufacturer >Dear merchant, >Kindly check attached photos. When the mason jar is empty, the weight is 460g and when fill up with water, weight is 1106g So the capacity of the big mason jar is around 23oz. We only have two size mason jars, so when you mention 24oz, we thought it's one because the capacity is very similar. Pls check with customer whether this the mason jar is ok. Dear factory, I am not sure what you are saying. 24 ounces is a Capac…

The Train Engineer One fine day a passenger train was peacefully travelling along the track full of passengers when the train suddenly went off-track and continued that way for a while when it was uneventfully brought back onto the track and continued along its way until it reached the next train depot and stopped. The passengers were clearly upset and notified a man in charge of all the trains. Upon research of that train it was found the engineer was an Arab. The man in charge reminded the Ara…

A small collection of my favorite science jokes A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, ""How much for a drink?"" ""For you, sir, no charge!""   What's 2 times 2? Physicist: ""After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!"" Mathematician: ""After some consideration I can now prove that the solution exists!"" Engineer: ""4, obviously, but lets make it 5, just to be on the safe side.""   Three logicians walk into a bar. ""You all want …

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, ""What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!""The doctor chimed in, ""I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!""The priest said, ""Here comes the green-keeper. Let'shave a word with him.""He said, ""Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?""The green-keeper replied, ""Oh, yes. That's a gro…