Engineer Jokes

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer had all been sentenced to death and were on death row waiting to go to the electric chair. Finally, the day had arrived. The chemist was due to go first. As he strapped him in, the executioner asked him, ""Do you have anything you want to say?"" The chemist replied, ""No,"" so the executioner flicked the switch but nothing happened. According to this State's law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released. So the chemist was u…

So engineering school is really hard... I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.

An Artist, an Architect, and an Engineer... ...are discussing whether it is better to have a wife or a mistress. The architect says, ""A wife, of course. A good marriage is the foundation of a happy life."" The artist says, ""No, a mistress. She will add intrigue and excitement to your life."" They turn to the engineer to ask his opinion. The engineer says, ""I have both. The wife thinks I'm with the mistress. The mistress thinks I'm with the wife. And I can go down to the plant and get some wor…

A doctor and an engineer both want to date the same girl. The doctor decides to make a move, so gives her a rose. Meanwhile the engineer chooses to give her an apple daily. Doctor: ""Why you give her an apple everyday?"" Engineer: ""Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away!"" I'll see myself out

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer are about to be guillotined... When it's the priest's turn, the executioner pulls the rope on the guillotine and the blade gets 1/4 inch away from the priest's neck before snapping back up. The priest is unscathed. The crowd roars, ""It's a miracle! Let him go!"" And the priest goes free. Then it's the rabbi's turn. The executioner pulls the rope on the guillotine and the blade gets 1/4 inch away from the rabbi's neck before snapping back up. The rabbi is unsca…

Q. How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert? A. Because they look at *your* shoes when they're talking to you.

There were four engineers in a car.. ..A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and an IT engineer. They were driving down the road when the car suddenly broke down. ""It must be the engine!"" Said the mechanical engineer. ""Hang on, it's the battery, I know all about this."" Replied the electrical engineer. ""It has to be the fuel! I'm an expert on this you know."" The chemical engineer chimed in. ""Nah, nah. I know what it is."" Said the IT engineer. ""We all have to …

Electric Chair Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, ""I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."" They throw…

A physicist, an engineer and an IT guy are driving along in a car... Suddenly, the engine makes a spurting noise, turns itself off, and the car comes to a halt. The physicist says ""No need to worry, my friends. We are on a descent, and the degree of incline means I can get out and push the car with enough force to get us back in motion"". The engineer answers ""No, dear friend, it is most likely an engine failure. Most probably a dead spark plug or a faulty drive belt. I can get out, open the b…

The penny making machine at the US mint stopped working the other day.... The director of the mint himself came to the machines engineer to ask him what the problem was. ""I can't figure it out!"" exclaimed the puzzled engineer. ""It doesn't make cents!!"" (Best told in person)

Just got a job as a software engineer for the government! My career as a professional shit poster is really gonna take off

May god bless German engineering, Italian cooking, and English humor. And may god damn Italian engineering, English cooking, and German humor.

Read this one online a while back An engineer dies and goes to hell. At first, he's reluctant to come to terms with where he is. The devil sees him, and says"" Cheer up, hell isn't so bad. I'll prove it, you can have the best room in the house."" The engineer happily accepts and is led to something that looks like it was built in a third world country. The devil leaves the disappointed engineer there for a while, and leaves that part of hell. When he returns, he is astonished to find that the en…

An indian engineer can't find a job... An indian engineer moves to the U.S and can't find a job so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100 A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic... Lawyer: ""I have lost my sense of taste"" Indian: ""Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"" Lawyer: ""Ugh..this is kerosene"" Indian: ""Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $2…

Why did the engineer buy a mattress? To sleep under it

An Engineer... An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: ""Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."" One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: ""I have lost taste in my mouth."" Engineer: ""Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" Doctor: ""This is Gasoline!"" Engineer: ""Congratulations! You've got yo…

So during World War 2, a lot of experiments took place on the front lines; *Doctor Heinfeld*, a leading researcher in Engineering and Biology at the front, wanted to test a new mechanical heart he had engineered, and offered a clockwork heart he had engineered to a then-dieing solider, named *Hugo*, who took it without hesitation. Later on, Hugo (now fully recovered due to the revelutionary mechanical heart) was on a routine patrol. During a small pause, he noticed his new heart playing up. *Tic…

Engineer vs Doctor An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: ""Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."" One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. **Doctor:** ""I have lost taste in my mouth."" **Engineer:** ""Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" **Doctor:** ""This is Gasoline!"" Engineer: ""Congratulation…

[Long] Doctor vs. Engineer An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: ""Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."" One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: ""I have lost taste in my mouth."" Engineer: ""Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" Doctor: ""This is Gasoline!"" Engineer: ""Congratulations! Y…

An engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: ""Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."" One doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: ""I have lost taste in my mouth."" Engineer: ""Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" Doctor: ""This is gasoline!"" Engineer: ""Congratulations! You've got your taste back. …

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: ""Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."" One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: ""I have lost taste in my mouth."" Engineer: ""Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" Doctor: ""This is Gasoline!"" Engineer: ""Congratulations! You've got your taste back. …

The owner of a new liquor store noticed that his PoS system was always calculating the tax on hard liquor purchases to be $4.09 He placed a support call to the company that sold him the system and they sent an engineer to investigate. The engineer sat at the terminal for half hour and came back to the owner and reported that he had fixed it. He said, ""It was a sin tax error.""

The Pope, a Greenpeace activist, and an Engineer are... ... all going to the bathroom, but as there is only one stool, the wait in line. First goes the Pope, reliefs himself, get out, wash his hands with a lot of water, and a handful of soap. He looks at the other two and says: I have to use every part of what the Almighty God has gaven us. Than the activist goes to pee, get out of the stool, and with just a couple of drops of water he wash his hands. Looks ath the other two friends and says: We…

An Engineer was asked: ""What is the Technical Difference between Welding and Wedding"" He replied: ""Not much; both are joints, in a way. In Welding there are sparks first and bonding forever, whereas in Wedding there is bonding first and sparks forever ""

A mechanical, electrical and computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar ..... A mechanical, electrical and computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar when the car suddenly began jerking and shuttering. The mechanical engineer, said, ""I think the car has a faulty carburetor."" The electrical engineer said, ""No, I think the problem lies with the alternator."" The computer engineer brightened up and said, ""I know, let`s stop the car, all get out of the…