Engineer Jokes

Engineer smarts. An optomist, a pessimist, and an engineer were all shown a 24 ounce glass with 12 ounces of water in it. The optomist looked and said, ""the glass is half full."" The pessimist looked and said, ""the glass is half empty."" The engineer looked and said, ""there's twice as much glass as you need.""

An engineer encounters a frog... A Civil engineer, while doing field work, comes across a frog, who suddenly begins to speak to him. ""Sir"" she says, ""I know this must seem very strange, but I'm actually a woman, cursed to inhabit this frog form. But if you would help me, you could turn me back into a woman with a simple kiss."" The engineer smiles, picks up the frog, and sticks her inside a box, closing the lid. The frog is startled into silence, but after some time kicks and shouts to get th…

An engineer, a mathematician, and a biologist are sitting outside of a building drinking coffee ... They see two people enter the building, and a minute later, the same two people come back out with a third person along side them. The biologist exclaims, ""they multiplied!"" The engineer comments, ""No, it must have just be a calculation error."" The mathematician finally said, ""Look, it doesn't matter how that third person got there, but what we do know is that if someone enters the building i…

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep. The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer. The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them. The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.

An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away A doctor and an engineer loved the same girl. Doctor used to give her a rose daily and engineer used to give the girl an apple. Girl got confused and asked engineer : There is a meaning of giving rose in Love, Why are you giving apple ? Engineer answered : Because ""An apple a day keeps the doctor away"".

Engineering Class My teacher tells me there are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't...

I'm a Chemical Engineer and I have some good Chemistry jokes. ... but I never get a good reaction.

God is obviously a Civil Engineer... ... Only a civil engineer would route a sewage system through a playground.

Divorced Virgin *^A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands.** On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ""*Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.*"" ""What?"" said the puzzled groom. ""How can that be if you've been married five times?"" ""*Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be*. *Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of…

All engineers go to heaven All engineers go to Heaven because they spend their lives creating things so that others can use those inventions to live more comfortable. But one engineer accidentally got sent to hell. Saint Peter eventually noticed the mistake and went down to Hell to bring him to Heaven. Once he was there Saint Peter was met by the Devil. The Devils asked Saint Peter why he was there and Saint Peter explained why. The Devil refused to let Saint Peter take the engineer to heaven. T…

The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt. The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way. The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and e…

An engineering student moved back into his parent's house after graduating He spent a lot of his time hidden away in his room playing games and arguing with strangers on the internet. One day, he was having a particularly heated conversation on a forum about why Kilograms are a better unit of measurement than Pounds. Then his mother suddenly opened the door without knocking. Shocked, she let out a gasp and quickly turned away as he frantically closed all the tabs in his browser. Maybe that seems…

What does an Engineer use for contraception? His personality!

A farmer has 895 sheep. Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up. So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help. ""Why yes,"" says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I…

How do you tell the difference between an introvert or extrovert software engineer? The extrovert looks at your feet when talking.

The Devil gives three men a chance to get into Heaven Three men die and get sent straight to the Gates of Hell where they meet the Devil who tells them that if they can answer his question correctly, they can go to Heaven. The Devil grabs a chair and stabs five holes into it, sits on the chair and farts. Devil: If you can tell me which hole my fart came out of, I will let you leave Hell and enter Heaven. Man 1: I'm a scientists, and since you were sitting normally on the chair, your fart would h…

If I was an engineer, I would turn emo. My inventions would be ""Cutting Edge""

So an engineer ends up in Hell... So an engineer dies and goes to Hell despite the fact he's supposed to be in Heaven. Being an engineer and all, he notices Hell is in a state of disrepair and fixes everything. God looks down and notices that Hell is in a relatively decent state. He notices the Engineer, who simply shrugs, and yells at the Devil ""He's supposed to be up here with me! I'm going to sue you!"" The Devil looks up and says ""Yeah well where are you gonna find a lawyer?""

What is the difference between a mechanical and civil engineer? The former builds weapons, the latter targets

Three engineers and three lawyers are taking a trip together via train. The lawyers buy one ticket per person, but the engineers only buy one total. ""How are you going to get away with that?"" the lawyers ask. ""Watch and learn,"" say the engineers. So they all board the train, and when the conductor begins collecting tickets, the three engineers cram themselves into a bathroom. The conductor knocks on the door and says, ""Ticket, please."" A single hand sticks out and gives him the ticket. In …

A priest, a doctor and an engineer go out for a round of golf.. Within a couple holes, they've caught up to the group in front of them. These guys are missing their shots right and left and overall taking their sweet time. Finally the doctor gets fed up and calls the course management. A representative comes out to figure out what's going on, and quickly explains the situation. ""You have to understand,"" he says. ""We had a fire a few years back and these guys desperately tried to save our club…

Arguing with an engineer is like mud wrestling a pig... You'll never win and eventually you'll figure out that the pig likes it.

Two Engineers Run into Each Other One of them is riding a shiny new bike. Engineer 1: ""Where'd you get that bike?"" Engineer 2: ""Well, yesterday a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike, took off all her clothes, and said I could have anything I wanted. So, I took the bike."" Engineer 1: ""That was smart... the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.""

A group of engineering teachers get on a plane... After everyone settle to their seats, the captain starts speaking: ""Hello everyone, this is the captain speaking. I want you to all know that this plane was built by your students!"". After hearing this, all the teachers started running off the plane and refused to fly, except one. The last teacher staying comfortable in his seat was asked why was he so calm, to which he replies: ""I have full confidence in my students, if they really built this…

A graduate with a science degree asks, ""Why does it work?"" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, ""How does it work?"" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, ""How much will it cost?"" The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, ""Do you want fries with that?""