Engineer Jokes

Starting salary Reaching the end of an extensive job interview, the HR person asked a young Engineer fresh out of college, ""And what starting salary were you looking for?"" The engineering graduate said, ""In the range of $100,000 - 125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."" The HR person said, ""Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every…

Corporate joke A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost... *She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below :-* _""Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.""_ *Man below replied :-* _""You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude.""_ *Lady :-* _""You must be an engineer.""_ *Man :-* _""How do you know?""_ *Lady :-* _""Everything you told me is technicall…

Everything is about confidence. Many Engineering teachers were invited to a flight, after they all took seat they were told that the plane they were in was entirely built by their students, Every one of the teachers quickly panicked got up and tried to exit the plane desperately but one of them was quiet and appeased he said: ""I Know exactly what my students can be capable of, so im confident as hell this shit won't even start"".

What time does an engineer set his alarm clock for? Around Thevenin the morning

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. NSFW (?) On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ""Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."" ""What?"" said the puzzled groom. ""How can that be if you've been married ten times?"" ""Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Hus…

Boudreaux goes to the brand new chemical plant looking for a job... Unfortunately the only job open is a chemical engineer. Boudreaux, who is not a chemical engineer, applies anyway and is asked to come in to take a test. He shows up and is shown into a room with another man. They are given a test to take and both of them complete them pretty quickly. In a half hour, Boudreaux and the other man are asked in to see the supervisor. The supervisor says, ""These test results were fantastic. Some of …

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician works at their desk. An engineer is working at his desk in his office, as his cigarette falls off the desk into the wastebasket, causing the papers within to burst into flames. He immediately deduces the most logical place of the fire extinguisher, grabs it, puts out the flames, and goes back to work. A physicist is working at his desk, as the same thing happens to him. He looks at the fire, remembers that fire = fuel + oxygen + heat, decides to bloc…

What did the electrical engineer do when she found out that she hadn't won the lottery? She soldered on.

A mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician interview for a job... The interviewer brings them in one at a time. He asks each the same question: ""What is 2+2?"" The mathematician looks annoyed and says ""obviously it's 4"" The engineer says ""well, I'll have to draw up some graphs and make a few charts. I'll get back to you next week"" And the statistician looks around the room, draws the blinds closed and leans over to the interviewer ""what do you want it to be?"" Thought this would be r…

The Engineer's Trainee So one day at a coin mint, an engineer who works there is taking a trainee for a tour and shows him how everything works. They approach the dollar-making machine. After explaining it, the Engineer says: ""Well, what do you think? Complicated?"" And the Trainee says: ""No, I completely understand it; it makes sense."" To which the Engineer replies: ""No, it makes dollars.""

What is a dead giveaway someone has no idea what they are doing? They have an engineering degree.

A QA engineer walks into a bar, and orders a beer. Then he orders 0 beers. Then he orders 999999999999 beers. Then he orders an aardvark. Then he orders nothing. Then he orders -1 beers. Then he orders NULL beers. Then he orders asnwikfjsdf. Then he orders a ""><script>give_me_your_credit_card()</script>. Finally, the QA engineer leaves without paying, comes back, and asks for the tab.

A scientist and an engineer walk into a bar... The scientist says ""I'll have some H2O."" The engineer says ""I'll have H2O, too."" The engineer dies.

An engineer went to Hell... The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell. Satan quickly introduces himself. ""Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have one of my demons phone him right away. In the mean time, well, there isn't much, but if you want to amuse yourself, i can help you with that."" The engineer thinks for a moment, a…

LF : Clean-ish jokes Need new jokes that aren't dark so I don't scare away the girl I like. Engineering and soccer ones are pluses. Thanks for the help.

A vegan, a cross fitter and an engineer walk into a bar No they didn't, they couldn't decide who got to tell the bouncer at the door what they do.

A science graduate asks the question why? An engineering graduate asks the question how? An arts graduate asks, ""Would you like fries with that?""

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are kidnapped by a tribe of cannibals The chief gives them the same amount of boards and nails and a hammer to each of them and says: ""According to sacred law of ancestors, you all must into the makings of round-up. Who of makings biggest round-up can into free, all of you else can into tribe's lunch!"". The engineer and the physicist both build a circular fence, calculated to have the highest area with the given circumference. The mathematician bui…

An engineer dies and goes to Hell Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls and asks Satan, ""So, how's it going down there?"" Satan says, ""Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."" God is horrified. ""W…

Asking college students ""what is a cell?"" Whats a cell? Bio student: fundamental unit of life Engineering student: something you find on a battery Business student: where you enter your data on excel Law student: where your client goes if you don't win the case

Four engineers in a car driving down the highway.... A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a thermodynamic engineer & a software engineer. Suddenly the car isn't running right so they pull to the side of the road. The mechanical engineers says ""The engine sounds like it has a knock to it. I think we bent a valve."" The electrical engineer says ""No, it sounds more like a misfire. Check the wiring harness and the spark plugs."" The thermodynamics engineer says ""No, look at the temp…

It's finals week and the only question on the test is ""what is 2+2?"" A philosophy major writes a long eloquent response but doesn't bother to actually answer the question. A math major makes a formal proof that 2=2 and that addition is commutative before using the squeeze theorem to prove that 42+24. An engineering major knows the answer is 4 but writes down 5 just to be safe.

Three engineering students contemplate God. The first student says ""Obviously he is a mechanical engineer, look at all the joints."" The second student responds, ""No no no, he has to be an electrical engineer, just think about all of the nerve impulses..."" The third student considers these and offers his opinion, ""Actually he is a civil engineer, who else would run a toxic waste pipeline straight through a recreational area?""

What do you call a snake with a degree in engineering? A Boa Constructor

How do you know someone's an engineer? No worries they will tell you