Engineer Jokes

An engineer creates the smartest AI in the world. To test it he lets his nephew try it. The boy asks ""Where is my father?"" After a couple of seconds the computer answers ""Your father is at the Niagara Falls with a friend"" The kid turns to his uncle and says ""Uncle, this computer is broken, my father died 2 years ago"" He then says ""Well let's ask a more specific question then!"" The kid goes to the computer and asks again: ""Where is my mother's husband? "" The answer comes ""Your mother's…

Heaven and Hell (Engineers + Lawyers) An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand d…

Three engineers... Three engineers were gathered together discussing the possible designers of human body. One said, ""It was a mechanical engineer. Look at the joints."" Another said, ""No, it was an electrical engineer. The way the millions of nerves are interconnected it must be a electrical engineers job"" The last one said, ""He must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area""

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, ""Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"" The man below says, ""Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."" ""You must be an engineer,"" says the balloonist. ""I am,"" replies the man. ""How did you know?"" ""Well,"" says the balloonist, ""everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone.""…

Engineering Position Bubba applied for an engineering position at a refinery company. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: ""Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."" Bubba asked: ""And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Lo…

Give basic jobs complicated job titles Job listings like to give even the basic jobs some complicated job titles. So for example: Cashier = Customer Transaction Specialist Janitor = Sanitation Engineer Dishwasher = Utensil Sterilizer Waiter = Customer Request Dispatcher Can you think of other basic jobs that can be given special job titles to make them seem like they are well respected professions?

An Engineering student attended a Medical exam by mistake... See his answers... 1. Antibody - One who hates his body . 2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings . 3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria . 4. Coma - Punctuation Mark . 5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl . 6. Genes - Blue Denim. 7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work . 8. Liposuction - A French Kiss . 9. Ultrasound - Radical Sound . 10. Cardiology - Advanced Study of Playing Cards ..... 11. dyspepsia : difficulty in drinking pepsi. 12.Chicken Pox…

The Engineering student and his bike.. Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, ""Where did you get such a great bike?"" The second engineer replied, ""Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ""Take what you want."" The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, ""Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.""

My friend decided to become an astrophysicist instead of an engineer. I guess you could say he got sucked into black holes.

Four Engineers get into a car. The car won't start. The mechanical engineer says: ""There must be a problem with the gear box."" The electrical engineer says: ""It must have a broken starter."" The chemical engineer says: ""There must be something wrong with the fuel"" The IT engineer says: ""Hey, let's all get out of the car and get back in.""

A toothpaste factory had a problem... Due to the way the production line was set up, sometimes empty boxes were shipped without the tube inside. People with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming off of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which cannot be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean quality assurance checks must be smartly distribute…

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. ""Listen,"" said the CEO, ""this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"" ""Certainly,"" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. ""Excellent, excellent!"" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, ""I just need one c…

The red banana There was a man who was a train engineer, but also drove the train, and has been doing this for around twenty years now. Eventually, the man was bored working on the train one day and rigged it to go faster than normal, and on a curve he needed to slow down for, he sped up, crashing into a building and killing everyone on board except for himself. He was taken to court, and was found guilty, and sentenced to death. He requested his last meal to be a red banana, only to be found in…

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked: What is 2+2? The engineer thought awhile and finally answered: 4. Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied: 4.0. Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician: What do you want it to be?

A Chemist, An Engineer, and A Statistician A Chemist, an engineer, and a statistician are out in the woods hunting. The chemist says"" Watch this"" and fires his rifle. His shot lands five yards short of the deer. The engineer laughs and says ""Watch this"" and calculates for wind resistance. His shot lands five yards over the dear. The statistician suddenly stands up and screams ""WE GOT HIM""

How many Nazis did it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, despite crimes against humanity they were efficient people and had state of the art engineering.

The Exam Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: ""Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."" Bubba asked: ""And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana…

Super Original Joke! An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: ""A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."" A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: ""I have lost my sense of taste."" Engineer: ""Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" Doctor: ""This is Gasoline!"" Engineer: ""Congratulations!…

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T-square. He told the dog to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle which the dog did with finesse. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide-rule. He told the dog to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three which the dog did with ease. The chemist said that was…

unbelievable job seeker Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, ""And what starting salary are you looking for?"" The engineer replies, ""In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."" The interviewer inquires, ""Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and …

The Plight of Fue Lancaster The year is 2652, on a faraway planet meant for prisoners of a far ranging galactic war. Ever since Fue Lancaster was a boy he dreamed of escape. There were individual encampments dotting the planet, all of which were surrounded by 100 foot high concrete walls. If you looked hard enough, you could see that there were cracks all over the walls, from previous failed attempts at escape. The hope to escape had long fled the hearts of those surrounding Fue, but he was spec…

As a Volkswagen Engineer, do you know what really grinds my gears? The Tiptronic transmission, actually, but I invented these noise cancelling headphones!

A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost... She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below: Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am. Man below replied: You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude. Lady: Oh, You must be an engineer. Man: Yes! How did you know? Lady: Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is, I'm still l…

At trial, a Volkswagen engineer is called to the stand to explain why they participated in the 'clean diesel' debacle. He claims he is not guilty. He said he was just following...odors.

A network engineer goes to the doctor...... He told the doctor, ""It hurts when IP""