Engineer Jokes

The Frog & The Engineer An engineer was taking a walk when a frog spoke to him and said, ""If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."" He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke again and said, ""If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll become your girlfriend."" The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. The frog spoke again and said, ""If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll …

Three engineers were trying to make smarthome devices (from a friend) Three engineers and a manager are sitting around some appliances to help make them smarthome compatible. The first engineer turns his attention to the refrigerator, ""We should connect this fridge to the internet and make it tell you when food is going bad, I will need an Intel i7 if we want this to constantly notify you."" the manager thought for a while and finally grumbled, ""ok, we could fit that into the budget"" The seco…

A science major says ""What's it made of?"" An engineering major says ""How is it made?"" An arts major says... ""Would you like fries with that?""

Shortest joke a software developer can tell: ""I'll be ready soon."" Software Engineering try o do work smart not to work hard.

A member of the Army Corps of Engineers was working on the design of the bottom of an android ""What exactly is going on?"", I asked. He replied, ""A Major engineering feet.""

A mechanical engineer who was unemployed for 5 years decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: ""A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $400; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."" Doctor Ed walks by the sign and thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. The doctor says "" Sir, I have lost my sense of taste."" Engineer replies ""Nurse, can you please bring the medicine from box 19 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" The doctor immediatel…

The Less you Know, the More you Make Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows, Work = Power * Time Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have: Work = Knowledge * Money Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how…

Bill Gates in a car A software engineer, a hardware designer and Bill Gates are driving in car on the freeway. Suddenly the car breaks down, the engines stops. The software engineer says: ""I think that car ran out if gas. Let's walk to the nearest gas station and get some gas, put it in the car and then it will start again."" The hardware designer says: ""I think the muffler broke off, let's fix it and then we can go on. "" Bill Gates says: ""I'm not sure what the problem is but let's close all…

I met this guy who said he was a Mir space station Engineer. But I thought it was quite an achievement.

What do you call an engineer who looks at other people's shoes when walking? Extroverted

Helpful Engineer A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. ""Listen,"" said the CEO, ""this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"" ""Certainly,"" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. ""Excellent, excellent!"" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, ""…

I asked my web server engineer wife to give me head. All I got was information and not the actual act.

An electrical engineer had a daughter who was always hungry she always kept pestering her mother for food, In a fit of desperation, to make her disperse, what did the mother tell the kid? At ten u ate.

An electrical engineer is talking to a blonde the blonde asks: ""What do you do for a living?"" The engineer replies "" I make chips"" ""Oh yummy!""

Smarty Pants An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: ""Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."" One guy thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. -Guy: ""I have lost taste in my mouth."" -Engineer: ""nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."" -Guy: ""This is Gasoline!"" -Engineer: ""Congratulations! You've got your tast…

International relations The United Nations noticed that there was a lot of dissent among its ranks and relationships were strained. The UN leaders called a meeting and came up with a plan to increase morale that was discussed and agreed upon by all members. The plan was to take a representative from three different countries and place them on a deserted island for a year. They asked for volunteers. The representative from Greece stood up and shared how one of their own should be on the island be…

The Balloonist A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, ""Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."" The woman below replied, ""You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."" ""You must be an engineer,"" said the bal…

What kind of railway is an Italian engineer's favourite? Funicula

Why didn't the engineer cross his own bridge? Because he didn't truss it.

Optimist- The glass is half full Pessimist- The glass is half empty Engineer- The glass is twice the size it needs to be. College Student- I can't afford the glass.

I saw a commercial for a car dealership the other day... They kept going on about how they couldn't believe the incredibly low prices they were able to offer on a Volkswagen, and how much cash you could end up saving on something that's a true marvel of German engineering. Why on Earth would you try to market the quality of German engineering to a bunch of Jews?

German engineering isn't that good... ...showers in the camps didn't even work!

A Pentium processor engineer is counting visitors to a bar He's counted 12.000000000057249999 patrons so far.

Why is the network engineer sad? Because his career is in bits.

Engineers To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, some idiots used a glass that's twice as big than necessary.