Engineer Jokes

A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are through the roof.

[Repost] Wait i'l still a virgin. Married 10 times A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ""Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."" ""What?"" said the puzzled groom. ""How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"" ""Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said h…

A CEO, Vice-President, and Engineer are all on the golf course... ...the engineer hits a ball into the woods and says ""No problem, I'll go get it."" The Vice-President also hits a ball into the woods and says ""No problem, I'll have the engineer go get it."" The CEO then also hits a ball into the woods and says to the Vice-President ""Fire the engineer. He should have warned us that might happen.""

My friend tells me he graduated from Europe with a Celsius in Engineering.

Invention a German engineer has just invented a land mine that looks like a prayer mat. You should invest in this because prophets are going through the roof!

Why didn't the engineering student have a good relationship with his professor? There were too many truss problems.

How can you tell an engineer is an extrovert? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

A little something for the some of the posts I see in /r/personalfinance Q: Which one is not like the others? Degree in Mathematics, Degree in Engineering, Degree in Philosophy, or a pepperoni pizza? ' ' ' ' ' A: Degree in Philosophy... the other three can feed a family of four.

How can you tell if the code is broken? (SW Engineering joke) If India worked on it

Three engineers were driving down the road. An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. (Shut up, just go with it). Suddenly their car sputters to a halt. The electrical engineer says it has to be a problem with the electric system. The chemical engineer thinks it's a problem in the fuel system. Then they both look at the Windows engineer... He just says, ""Perhaps we should all get out and back in again""

Asking the Big One Guy walking down a beach in California. Sees a bottle, picks it up. Rubs it. Out comes a genie. ""I'll give you one wish,"" says the genie. ""I'd love to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of boats, afraid of planes. I want to drive there, so build me a bridge to Hawaii."" ""Geeez!"" said the genie. ""I know I said 'anything,' but the amount of concrete and materials for such a bridge, the engineering, well, I'm afraid you've wished for something that's virtually impossible to do, e…

A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer joke A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer were gathered at the pub. The surgeon boasts, Surgery is the oldest technology in the world. It's in the Bible. God removed Adam's rib while he slept. This is clear evidence that surgery pre-dates all other technological endevors. Without so much as a beat, the civil engineer says that before that, God formed the Earth, the stars, and everything from nothing but chaos. He created rive…

Kudos if you get the joke A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician each have their respective problem-solving skills tested by a group of researchers. They are each placed in separate locked 4x4 cells with walls made of cement and given a can of food. They are told to open the cans and get the food out using no other outside materials. The researchers leave the three to their own devices, then come back after an hour. The physicist is first to be checked on. The researchers find him mouthin…

Three Engineers are Sitting at a Bar... ...and discussing what kind of engineer constructed the human body. The first exclaimed that it must be a Mechanical Engineer because of all the joints and moving parts. The second said it had to have been an Electrical Engineer because of all the nerve endings and electrical signals. The third disagreed with both and declared that it had to have been a Nuclear Engineer, because who else would construct a toxic tube so close to a recreational area?

Three engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God is. Electrical engineer: ""surely God is an electrical engineer, the brain and nerves are a symphony of exquisite circuitry."" Mechanical engineer: ""no, look at the ballet between bone, muscle and sinew. God must be a mechanical engineer."" Civil engineer: ""God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipe right through a recreational area."" *^\(the* *^joke* *^is* *^by* *^Robin* *^Williams,* *^I* *^think)*

So a mathematician, an engineer and a psychologist had a bet with a farmer... So a mathematician, an engineer and a psychologist had a bet with a farmer. It was 'Who could surround the most area using as little as much fences possible' So the psychologist surrounded a farm that already has fences surrounding it, he told the mathematician and the mathematician grinned. The mathematician fenced half of the earth and claimed he surrounded half of the earth. Then they asked the engineer, the enginee…

Ten Science Jokes for Nerds * I'm reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down. * I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn't seem to be gaining momentum. * Why can't atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don't believe in higher powers. * Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't. * Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell. * A group of protesters in front of a physics lab: ""What do we want?"". ""Time travel"" ""When do we want it?"". ""Irrelevant."" * What…

A QA Engineer walks into a bar an orders a beer. And orders 2 beers, and orders 7445553822 beers, and orders -1 beers, and orders asdfadf beers, and orders Robert'); DROP TABLE beers;

Two Engineers were walking to class.. When one asks the other.. Engineer 1: ""Hey man that is a nice bike, where did you get it? Engineer 2: ""The strangest thing happened to me yesterday. A girl rode over to me on this bike and suddenly dropped it in front of me. She then took off all her clothes and said, ""You can have it all!"" So I took the bike."" Engineer 1: ""That was a wise choice, her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyways.""

How do you spot an engineer at a party? He'll come up to you and tell you himself.

For the Geeky Engineer drone... So they put another engineer onto our team, His name is Ian Bradley, he is the guy that checks data flow down curcuits, making sure nothing is getting held up or slowed down. I got an email from him the other day, the header was IanB.org Resistors are Futile

Where are the cleanest bathrooms on college campuses? The women's bathrooms in the engineering building. Credit to /u/The_Messiah

An engineer gets banned from r/fitness He was trying to sell SCRs to their NOx users...

Glass half-empty or half full? The optimist will say that the glass is half-full. The pessimist will say that the glass is half-empty. The engineer will say that the glass is 2 times bigger than it needs to be. The politician will say that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge. The project manager will say that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. The fanatic will say that the glass is full, even though it isn't. The IT support person will say that you should try…

Sherlock and Watson take a hot air balloon Sherlock and Watson get into a hot air balloon and take off for a casual ride. Suddenly, clouds roll in and the winds pick-up, surely moving them off course. Sherlock says to Watson ""Watson, take us down and let us figure out where we've traveled."" On a stroke of luck, there's a Shepherd with his flock in the field. Sherlocks shouts ""Hello good sir, can you tell us where we are?"" The Shepherd paused, thought about it, and replied ""You're in a hot-a…