Engineer Jokes

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed but to no avail. In desperation they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the pas…

An engineer an experimental physicist a theoretical physicist and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill they see on top of the next a black sheep. The engineer says: ""What do you know the sheep in Scotland are black."" ""Well *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black"" replies the experimental physicist. The heoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says ""Well at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black."" ""Well"" the philosopher…

A doctor an engineer and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates. The doctor said how he'd healed the sick helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell. The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless etc.; but he messed up the environment so he was sent to Hell. The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this but as soon as he mentioned his occupation God said ""You've already been thru Hell Welcome to Heaven.""

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could draw. His dog's name was ""T-Square"" and he told him to get some paper and draw a square a circle and a triangle which he did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog ""Balance"" could do better. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of three which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was a very good stunt but that his dog ""Apothecary"" cou…

There were those three guys a priest a doctor and an engineer and they were playing golf. But the group before them was extremely slow and at each hole they waited hours. Finally the priest asked around why was that other group was so slow? He was told that they were very courageous firemen who saved the golf course a couple of years ago from a terrible fire in which they all lost their sight. As a proof of appreciation they were given the right to play on the course whenever they wanted. The…

There were these two Engineers who decided they would go moose hunting in the backwoods of British Columbia. As it happened they lucked out and got a moose. Unfortunately they were about a mile from their truck. They were having a tough time dragging the animal by the hind legs when a Wildlife Biologist happened upon them. He said ""You know the hair follicles on a moose have a grain to them that causes the hair to lie toward the back. The way you are dragging that moose it increases your coeff…

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question ""What is two and two?"" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was ""Twenty-two."" The second was a social worker. She said ""I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question."" The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the …

A Software Engineer a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road bouncing off the crash barriers until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants shaken but unhurt now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? ""I know"" said…

Q. What creature has the best aptitude for engineering ? A. The spider -- It has its own website.

A doctor a civil engineer and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked ""Well in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."" The civil engineer interrupted and said ""But even earlier in the book of Genesis it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the …

A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Programmer just wants to take a nap so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains ""I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question and if I don'…

A Software Engineer a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road bouncing off the crash barriers until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants shaken but unhurt now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? ""I know"" said…

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job and final…

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job and f…

An Engineer goes to heaven An engineer dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates where he is greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome to Heaven. Come right in. We can always use another engineer". But the engineer does his due diligence and asks to see both Heaven and Hell before deciding where he wants to spend eternity. Heaven is nice but seems dull. Hell, on the other hand, has all sorts of problems that an engineer can enjoy fixing so the engineer decides to go to Hell instead. Some time later God, bein…

Three Engineers A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God. The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!" The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the br…

Engineer, Physicist and Mathematician An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in their respective hotel rooms when a problem with the hotel's electrical system causes sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the wastepaper basket. The engineer wakes up from the alarm, sees what is going on and runs to the bathroom. He fills a bucket with water, which he throws onto the wastepaper basket. Relieved that the fire is out, he goes back to bed. The physicist wakes up fro…

Kiss me "A male engineering student was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineering student took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it; and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and tur…

Three engineering students. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

The engineer and the mathematician A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar when the most beautiful woman either of them has ever seen approaches them. She takes them to a football field and tells them, "I'm going to stand on the far goal line, and you'll stand on this one. Whichever of you reaches me first can do whatever you want to me." "There are two rules, however. Your first move can only be to the fifty yard line, and each move following can only be half the distance of the previ…

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer ... ...were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group o…

An engineer, a biologist and a mathematician are watching a bar As they watch, two people enter. Later, three people leave. The engineer says, "There was someone in there before." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters there will be nobody left in the bar."

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives St. Peter looks at the book and scratches his head. He says 'You were involved in some great civil engineering projects so I ought to let you into heaven but you were also involved in weapons programs that resulted in great loss of life' 'I am sorry but you will have to go to hell'. Well, the engineer arrived in hell and found it very hot - so he installed air conditioning. He also found it dry - so he installed clean running water. He then …

Four engineers in a car... Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to…

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store... As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars... As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer : "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that" Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing" So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy…