Engineer Jokes

Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineer's Perspective Author’s note: All numerical values, calculations and estimates are, of course, indubitably accurate. The first and foremost thing to take into account to properly begin the proof is the number of children Santa Claus must visit each Christmas. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) and other non-Christ…

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are riding a train in Scotland. Looking out the window, the engineer sees something that catches her eye. Look, she says, it's a black sheep! It seems the sheep in Scotland are black. The physicist shakes his head. Nonsense, he says. All we know is that there are some black sheep in Scotland. The mathematician looks at his two friends, sighs, and with all earnestness, observes: All we can say is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, one sid…

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much …

Engineers' view about a glass of water! To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician? If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out. If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out. If a mathematician walks into a room and sees…

Optimists, pessimists, and engineers An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees a glass half empty. An engineer sees a glass that is twice as big as it needs to be.

A Mechanical Engineer, a Special Projects Solution Consultant, and a Software Engineering were riding in a car over a mountain pass.... ....Suddenly, the brakes fail just as they crest the rise. As they begin to plummet unchecked down the mountain, the driver begins a miraculous set of actions, feathering the body of the car against the side of the mountain as well as other vehicles, while simultaneously downshifting the engine. He brings the vehicle to a precarious halt halfway down the mou…

An engineer dies and goes to Hell Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God is horrified. "W…

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in adjacent rooms of a hotel. The engineer decides to smoke before he goes to bed, carelessly throws the cigarette into the trashcan, and then goes to sleep. He wakes up about an hour later to see that the trashcan is on fire! So he rises hurriedly, takes some water from the sink, throws it on the fire, and puts it out. Relieved, the engineer goes back to bed and sleeps soundly. But he was too late, and meanwhile, the fire has traveled t…

3 Men Awaiting Execution The first man sits in the electric chair: I believe in God, and I know that I will not be harmed since this is a wrongful sentencing -- nothing happens and the man lives on. Next in line for execution is a lawyer. He is shortly sat down and attached to the chair. "I believe in Justice and law..." despite his failed negotiations he was released. Last in line was an engineer who promptly saw the two misconducted trials. He blurted out "you have to connect the two leads …

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well", she replied, "Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. …

A group of accountants and a group of engineers take a trip together on a train The 3 accountants each buy tickets, but the 3 engineers only buy one ticket to share. "How do you think that's going to work?" asks one of the accountants. "You'll see.", an engineer responds. As the train leaves the station, all 3 of the engineers pile into a bathroom and when the conductor knocks on the door, one arm comes out through a narrow crack in the door to give him the ticket. The accountants all agree t…

An engineer dies and is arriving at the Pearly Gates... An engineer dies and is arriving at the Pearly Gates. He comes up to Peter and Peter looks in his book but can't find the engineer's name. Peter said to the engineer "Unfortunately, since I can't find your name in the book, you'll have to go to hell." The engineer goes on his way without any protest. A few weeks later, Peter is looking through his book and he finds the engineers name. He calls down to Satan, panicked, to try and correct h…

A science graduate asks the question why? A science graduate asks the question why? An engineering graduate asks the question how? An arts graduate asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

An engineer quit his job and decided to open a clinic... He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500." A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste." Upon hearing this, the engineer told his assistant to get a tablespoon of kerosene and give it to the doctor. When he tasted the kerosene, the doctor spat it out and exclaimed," That…

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 …

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing... After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. How…

The Thin Swiss Wire A crew of Swiss engineerers was tasked by their government to create a wire as thin as possible. The project took months, years to finish, but at last, they succeeded. They produced a piece of extremely thin wire. It was so thin that they could not even measure how thin it actually was. Not only that, but it was also durable. They could not cut or shorten it, no matter how hard they tried. The Swiss Government was very proud of what their engineers created, but before they …

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it …

A QA engineer walks into a bar, and orders a beer. Then he orders 0 beers. Then he orders 999999999999 beers. Then he orders an aardvark. Then he orders nothing. Then he orders -1 beers. Then he orders NULL beers. Then he orders asnwikfjsdf. Then he orders a "><script>give_me_your_credit_card()</script>. Finally, the QA engineer leaves without paying, comes back, and asks for the tab.

An Engineer, Vice-President, and CEO are on the Golf Course... The engineer hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll go get it." The Vice-President then hits the ball into the woods and says "No problem, I'll have the engineer go get it." The CEO then hits the ball into the woods and says "Have the engineer go get it, and then fire him. He should have warned us that might happen."

A Doctor tries to make some money off of an engineer An unemployed engineer who was tired of being jobless opens his own medical clinic. "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll play you $1,000 if we fail." A doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000, and goes to the clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! Y…

An engineer dies and goes to heaven... He meets St. Peter at the pearly gates, and St. Peter checks the list. St. Peter doesn't find his name, so he says 'sorry, looks like you are supposed to go to the other place'. So the engineer then goes down to Hell. Soon, he starts seeing things that could be improved. He builds a central air conditioning unit to help control the heat. He starts installing a central sewage system. God notices, and quickly calls Satan. He calls and says 'there's been a …

Married 10 times, still a virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look int…

A group of engineering proffesors got in a plane... Before closing the doors, the flight attendants told them that the plane had been built by their own students. Scared, all of the teachers ran out of the plane, except one. The pilot came to him and asked him why he was so relaxed. The proffesor said "I know my students very well. And I'm sure that if this plane is really built by them, the thing won't even start!"