Engineer Jokes

Four engineers get into a car. Four engineers get into a car. the car won't start. The mechanical engineer says : "its a broken starter" The electrical engineer : "dead battery" The chemical engineer: "impurities in the gasoline" The IT engineer: "Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".

A man is on his deathbed. Long A man is on his deathbed. He has three friends who come and visit him, being a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. He tells them, “I know you can’t take it with you. But I want to try. I’m giving you each $10,000 cash. When you come up to my coffin to pay your respects I want you to take the $10,000 and shove it in the coffin with me.“ The man passes and the three men pay their respects. Afterwards, they are all talking. The doctor says “I know it’s medically imp…

Three engineers were arguing. The mechanical engineer, the electrical engineer, and the civil engineer. They were arguing about what sort of an engineer God must be. "Well, God must be a mechanical engineer, because look at the human skeleton. Look at all the stress it's able to absorb." "But look at the nervous system. Look at all the wiring. God must be an electrical engineer." "Well, God must be a civil engineer, because only a civil engineer would run a liquid waste disposal unit right t…

A group of engineering students and their professor were given free airline tickets to go on a holiday... Once they boarded the plane, the captain announced that they would be flying on a plane that the students had built. Every one of the students panicked and left the plane, except for the professor. When the flight attendant asked the professor why he hadn't left the plane too he responded "I know the abilities of my students quite well... this shit won't even start".

A mother and son are traveling together on the Northern Pacific railroad. The boy says, "Mommy, if big cows can have little cows and big horses can have little horses and big people can have little people, then why can't big trains have little trains?" "That's a good question. You should ask the engineer that question." So the boy goes all the way up to the front of the train, and says, "Mr. Engineer, Mr. Engineer, my Mommy sent me up here to ask you, if big cows can have little cows and big …

An Engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician enter a bar Engineer: My good sirs, without engineers people would still be living in huts Physicist: But alas my good sir, engineering is simply applied physics Mathematician: But alas my good sir, physics is simply applied mathematics "hearty laughter" Philosopher: But alas my good sirs, mathematics is only applied philosophy Mathematician: shut up and get us our damned drinks

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released. The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free. The engineer places his head under the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says: 'Wait a minute, I see your problem...'

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole... ...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole. "26 feet 6 inches" She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off. One engineer looks at the other and says, "Typical blonde. We want t…

What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? . That hertz.

An engineering student is called into the Dean’s office… The dean says “While we know you are doing well in your engineering studies, there some very troubling reports from your core curriculum professors. In English, your professor says you constantly use the passive voice in your essays; your art history professor says you are constantly confusing Caravaggio with Michelangelo; and your Latin professor says you can’t get any of the declensions forms right. These are very serious allegations in…

A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty, an optimist thinks it is half full... An engineer thinks the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing golf. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren'…

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below say…

A job interview Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company ca…

A Mechanical Engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent... ..are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire. The purchasing agent says "We need to buy a new tire" the mechanical engineer says "no, I think I can fix this one" and the software engineer says, "let's drive on it for a while, maybe it'll fix itself."

A girl looking for a job A girl graduated from an engineering university and was looking for a job, but she did not find any opportunity, but one time she met a person, a zoo manager , and he offered her a job with a very good salary, and the job is to dress up as a zebra and stay in the cage for visitors see it because the real zebra who was there died and the profits fell because the visitors were coming specifically to see the zebra, but the girl accepted the job because of her financial con…

The wage gap isn't real. Men simply focus on getting the higher paying jobs like scientist, doctor, engineer. Meanwhile, women tend to go towards the lower paying jobs, like female scientist, female doctor and female engineer.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan on t…

There once was an engineer and a doctor, but they both loved the same woman. The doctor would give the woman a rose every day to show his love. The engineer would give her an apple every day. This confused her, so she asked the engineer about it. "The doctor gives me a rose because a rose signifies love, what is this apple supposed to mean?" The engineer replied, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or art students calling themselves baristas.

A lawyer married a women who had previously divorced 10 husbands On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from f…

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?" ​ The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." ​ "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. ​ "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" ​ "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, bu…

In a hotel a engineer a physicist and a mathematician...

A mathematician a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

A QA Engineer walks into a bar... Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 9999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sjfkalrtbwc.