Engineer Jokes

An Engineer Goes to Hell An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is…

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone …

There’s a Polish sound engineer at my bands sound check tonight. I wonder will there be a Czech one too?

Bob and Joe Erect Signs and Lettering on Buildings… Bob and Joe erect signs and lettering on office buildings and factories. One afternoon, Joe is high on a ladder putting up lettering outside ‘Johnson and Pollocks Engineering.’ He’s got as far as ‘Johnson and’ so he shouts down to Bob, “Hey Bob, pass up the letter P will you?” Bob looks around the back of the van, searching high and low, then shouts back, “I can’t find a P. The only spare letter I can find is a B!” “Oh shit,” shouts down Jo…

A mechanic is driving his friends, an engineer and a physicist, and the brakes go out heading downhill. The car speeds up out of control and they think they're all going to die. Luckily, the mechanic is able to slow the car down on the shoulder, stop, and they all get out and breathe a sigh of relief. The mechanic says, "Wow, I better check the break line and see what happened." The engineer pulls out a phone and replies, "Well, it was probably a manufacturing defect. Let me see if there was a…

A network Engineer goes on a blind date in Port-au-prince A network engineer goes on a blind date in Port-au-prince. His date asks, "What do you do for a living?" "I work in IT." he replies. She answers, "So do we all, but what kind of job do you have?"

An engineer, a biologist, and a mathematician are standing outside of an empty house. As they wait, they see two people walk in. A few minutes later, three people come out. The engineer says, "Oh ok, our original assumption was wrong." The biologist says, "No, they reproduced." The mathematician says, "Guys, it's obvious. Now, if one person goes into the house, it'll be empty again."

An Engineer in Hell An engineer died and was accidentally sent to hell instead of heaven. He got to work and fixed the A/C and things cooled down quickly. The moving walkway motor was jammed so he unjammed it. The TV was grainy and unclear. He repaired the connection to the satellite dish and now pulled in hundreds of high def channels. One day God decided to look down on Hell to see how his grand design as working out and noticed everyone was happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He phon…

What does a brain weigh these days? A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant. A doctor comes in and says, "Congratulations! But unfortunately, since this is a new procedure, your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford." The man says to the doctor, "Okay, what are they?" The doctor says, “Well, first there's the engineer brain, that's $100 an …

Refinery Engineers Bubba applied for an engineering position at a refinery . A Yankee applied for the same job, and, both applicants having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one question. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job." Bubba said, Why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being …

Is the glass half full or half empty? The optimist argues half full. The pessimist insists half empty. They hire an MIT trained engineer to decide. Engineer says, “Neither. You idiots are both using the wrong, oversized glass.”

How do you tell an extroverted engineer from an introverted engineer? When you talk to them face to face, they look at your shoes instead of their own shoes.

Smartest Dog There once was a dog show to determine the world's smartest dog. Three dogs were in the finals. One dog belonged to a doctor. One dog belonged to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer. For the finals each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it could make. The doctor said, "Stethoscope, go!" The doctor's dog built a human skeleton. The judges were ready to award the trophy right then. But, they decided to give the other dogs a try. The engineer said, "Slide-rule,…

I was assigned to escort several European engineers Several European engineers were visiting our plant and I was assigned to take them to dinner. The electrical engineer from Prague fell in love with Jack Daniel's but it quickly became obvious he couldn't hold his liquor. After two drinks he laid down on the floor and passed out. I wound up having to pick up the Czech. Edit for spelling

Our band has a German sound engineer It has a Czech one too. Czech one too.

An engineer, a biologist, and a mathematician stand outside of an empty house and watch as two people enter. A little while later, three people walk out. The engineer says, "It appears our assumption was wrong, there was one person in the house before." The biologist says, "It appears that the two people must have reproduced somehow, and that explains the third person." They both look toward the mathematician for his explanation. "It's simple, isn't it," the mathematician responds, "If one o…

Navy sailor to Navy engineer: "I wish I worked below decks with you. Up here the typhoon is always blowing me over." Navy engineer: "Who's The Typhoon? Over."

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, …

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician join a study on scientists' ability to survive in the wild All three are left in different part of a desert island overnight, each with a can of beans but no openers. The researchers come back in the morning to check on the scientists. The engineer is sleeping soundly, next to an open can. Once woken up, he explains: "Well tin cans aren't that strong, so I kept bashing this can against a rock many times, until it gave in and opened up". The phys…

A group of Boeing employees are sitting on a plane getting ready for takeoff. The pilot comes on over the intercom and says "Folks, we're pleased to have you flying with us on our brand new 737, fresh from our good friends at Boeing!" Immediately, the Boeing employees all scramble to get out of their seats and off the plane as quickly as possible. It's utter pandemonium in the aisles as everyone starts to panic. Everyone, that is, except for one old man, who remains sitting in his seat, quiet …

An electronics, mechanics and IT engineer drive down a deserted road and the car breaks down... They pop the hood and jump out of the car... The electronics engineer starts checking all the wires, spark plugs, battery and says "I have no idea what's wrong". "Me neither", says the mechanical engineer after checking the oil, machine, exhaust etc. "Get in the car!" says the IT engineer. They get in, the IT guy closes all windows, reopens all windows and says "Drive!"

Job Interview A businessman was interviewing job applicants for the position of manager of a large division. He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, “What is two plus two?” The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, “Twenty-two”. The second was a social worker. She said, “I don’t know the answer but I’m very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it.” The third applicant was an engineer. …

Four engineers in car when it breaks down So four engineers are in a car when it breaks down. The electrical engineer says "I've seen this a thousand times, we just need to replace the alternator" The mechanical engineer says "No, I've seen this ten-thousand times, the fan-belt is worn out" A civil engineer chirps in "Sorry boys, I've seen this a hundred thousand times before, it's a simple flat tire" The computer engineer laughs a little and then explains " You fools, I've seen this a mi…

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of university, "what starting salary are you expecting?" The engineer replies, "$200,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer says, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, full medical and dental, gym membership, all meals provided and a Lamborghini company car to use?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow, are you kidding?!" The interviewer …

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were each handed a red rubber ball and asked to determine the volume. Each ball had a diameter of 2 inches. The mathematician plugged the radius of 1 inch into the equation for the volume of a sphere. The physicist put a known volume of water into a calibrated container, submerged the ball, and with a simple subtraction determined the volume. The engineer said he couldn't answer the question. His handbooks had a blue rubber ball table and a g…