Engineer Jokes

The engineer dies and goes to meet St. Peter St. Peter has a book with him that has all the names who goes into heaven. He checks it but doesn't find the engineers name St. Peter says "I'm sorry you're going to have to meet your final beckoning below" The engineer thinks this is wrong and makes him check again. He checks again and says " I'm sorry your name is not listed here, you've got to go down below" The engineer thinks this is wrong and reluctantly goes down below. A month goes by, as…

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer... A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were given a challenge: to build a fence that encloses the maximum amount of area with the least amount of material. The mathematician thought carefully and said, "I will make a circular fence, for it has the greatest area for a given circumference." The physicist, after some calculations, said, "I will make a straight line and put the fence around the world. Theoretically, it encloses an infinite a…

What did the wind tunnel say to the aerospace engineer? I'm a big fan!

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 meters away. The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts the rifle, and the bullet lands 5 meters short. The engineer adds fudge factor for air resistance, and lifts the rifle a bit higher, and the bullet lands 5 meters long. "We got'tem!" yelled the statistian.

Mountain Climbing Joke A politician, 3 doctors, and 3 engineers decided to climb Mt. Everest. They arrive there and started the long way up the tallest climb on Earth. It's a grueling climb and they have to stop many times to rest and pull each other up. Half way into the climb, the rope starts to break. The doctors say they should all hang on and wait for help. No one believes help will arrive on time. The engineers, with their quick physics skills, tell everyone "One of us has to…

It is a little known fact that the Dutch pioneered genetic engineering. Back in the 80s they had genetically engineered a strain of grain that ended up making musical tones when the wind blew across it. They trade marked it as Holland Oats. The United Nations refused to recognize the trade mark, saying "I can't go for that, no can do."

Balloonist and Hiker An older colleague of mine told me this. It may be older than him. A hot air balloonist got blown way off course. Realizing how lost he was he decided to lower altitude to see if he could get some help from someone on the ground. He saw a large wilderness expance but luckily he noticed a hiker so he called out: "Hello! I was supposed to meet my friends hours ago but unfortunately I got blown off course and have no idea where I am. Can you help me?" The hiker replies: "Y…

An engineer, a mathematician and an economist go on a work interview First up is the engineer. The employer asks him what is 2+2 is? The engineer a little confused answer 4 of course. The employer thanks him and calls in the mathematician. Again, he asks what 2+2 is? The mathematician states that with high certainty it’s around 4. The employer thanks him and calls in the economist. Again, he asks what 2+2 is? The economist looks around, stands up and closes the curtains bef…

Three engineers were riding in a car, went down a hill, and crashed. The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the brakes. Let me check 'em out." The electrical engineer said, "I think it was something in the electrical system. Let me check it out." The software engineer said, "Let's push it back up the hill and run it again."

Three engineers are arguing what type of engineer God is The first says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Look at how we manipulate our arms, legs, lungs, and how blood flows through our bodies. God is a mechanical engineer." The second says, "No. God is an electrical engineer. Our nervous system, heart, brain. Everything is run by electrical impulses. God is an electrical engineer." The third says, "Your both wrong. God is a civil engineer. Who else would route the sewage system through the re…

Heaven vs. Hell Hell was freezing over. The Devil needed an engineer to fix it. He finally found one in heaven and convinced him to come down and do the job. G\*d was pissed---"You can't take my engineer! What the hell is wrong with you??" Devil says, "Oh yes, I can and there's nothing you can do about it!" G\*d says, "You think not? I will sue your ass, Medammit." Devil says, "Hah! That's a laugh. Where are you going to find a lawyer!"

Phones After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Wheeling WV archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Woodsdale. Shortly after, a story in the The Intelligencer read, "WV archaeologists, reporting a find…

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train, and the accountants take their seats, while the three eng…

A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down. The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke. The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas. The electrical engineer said, I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical sy…

What’s the difference between a doctor and an engineer? A doctor can only kill one person at a time.

An engineer dies and goes up to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into heaven?" St. Peter says "Look I don't make the rules, you're not on the list, that means you go to hell." The engineer goes down to hell and introduces hims…

A frog applies for a construction job. The engineer asks, "What can you do?" "Rivet."

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting... The three see a buck a little distance away. The physicist makes a quick, back-of-the-envelope calculation, assuming an ideal bullet and neglecting wind resistance, and then fires. The bullet lands 10 meters in front of the buck. The engineer has been doing his own calculations, adding in wind resistance and adding a fudge factor to include wind variations, Coriolis forces, and other, unknown variables. He fires, and the round lands 1…

God the Engineer Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex structures of the body!" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recre…

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason and sentenced to death by guillotine. The priest reads them their last rites, then the king orders the executioner to kill the physicist. The executioner offers the physicist two choices: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be executed face up or face down. The physicist replies, "I spent my whole life studying the heavens. I would like to face the sky, with the hood on like night!" The executioner …

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased …

Why didn't Anakin Skywalker become an engineer? He couldn't get a Master's degree.

God must be an engineer. Three engineering students are discussing what sort of God must have designed the human body. The first says, 'God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints." The second says,"I think God must be an electrical engineer. The nervous system has thousands of electrical connections." The third says, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A Pole-ish joke Two engineers……. Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. …

A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company. The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said. Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he was brought in. Egon was catching a lot of heat. Almost at his wit’s end, he suddenly remembered the envelopes. He opened the first …