Engineer Jokes

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing... ...whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and y…

Starting salary. Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Co…

An engineer dies and is sent to hell He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices …

A Doctor and engineer A doctor and an engineer loved the same girl. Doctor used to give her a rose daily and engineer used to give the girl an apple. Girl got confused and asked engineer : There is a meaning of giving rose in Love, Why are you giving apple ? Engineer answered : Because "An apple a day keeps the doctor away".

2 engineers v/s a Blonde Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer s…

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.” The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.” The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmol…

A man is flying in a hot air balloon 3. A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, bu…

A small collection of my favorite science jokes A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?” “For you, sir, no charge!”   What's 2 times 2? Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!” Mathematician: “After some consideration I can now prove that the solution exists!” Engineer: “4, obviously, but lets make it 5, just to be on the safe side.”   Three logicians walk into a bar. “You all want a beer?” t…

An engineer major asks... "How can we build this?" A business major asks, "How can we finance this?" A liberal arts major asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

A Case of Cows and Bull A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his …

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of manager of a large division... He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two". The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it." The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule …

A Pastor, a Doctor, and an Engineer... A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!" The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks. The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight sav…

Engineering teacher gave us this one. So a priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing a round of golf but they are stuck behind an incredibly slow foursome. They keep waiting and finally the groundskeeper drives by and they ask him whats going on with the group ahead. He explains that the group ahead is made up of four firefighters that, when putting out a fire in the clubhouse a few months earlier, had been blinded by an explosion, and to repay them they are allowed to golf whenever th…

Contrary to popular belief, in Engineering, you do meet tons of women... Just not very many

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer go golfing They get stuck behind a group of golfers who seemed to be moving slower than usual. One of the country club members explains to them that this is a group of blind men who lost their eyesight as firefighters. The country club allows them to use the course once a year free of charge. The priest immediately chimes in and says, "I am going to pray for these men everyday in my church to help their well being." The doctor then exclaims, "I am going to g…

Engineer In Hell An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you`re an engineer -- you`re in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up …

A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost... She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below: Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am. Man below replied: You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude. Lady: Oh, You must be an engineer. Man: Yes! How did you know? Lady: Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is, I'm still los…

The priest, laywer, and engineer By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go. They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine. They pull the rope and again, nothing happens. The lawyer reminds th…

Engineer goes to Hell... The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell. Satan quickly introduces himself. "Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have one of my demons phone him right away. In the mean time, well, there isn't much, but if you want to amuse yourself, i can help you with that." The engineer thinks for a moment, an…

THE ENGINEER AND THE FROG An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket. The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever y…

A big-city lawyer was representing..... ......the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling jo…

An engineer dies and reaches hell. It's way too hot there. The engineer finds out the A.C is not rightly installed and fixes it. There are televisions but none are working. The engineer soon finds out what's wrong with the cable receiver and fixes it too. He fixes the electricity circuit and it's no longer dark. He also gets wifi configured on everyone's phone. Very next day, the word reaches Heaven that the inhabitants of Hell are having a much pleasant life than them. God calls Satan and Sata…

A man in a ballon A man was stuck in a hot air balloon and realized that he was lost. He reduced his height and saw a woman down on a field. He went further down and yelled at the woman : "Excuse me, Could you help me? I had arranged a meeting with a friend an hour ago, but I have no idea were I am." The woman on the ground responded: "You are in a hot air balloon about 30 feet over the sea at 55°41'47'' northerner half and 10°12'47'' western length" the man gave her a look and said: "…

A doctor, a philanthropist, and an engineer are playing a round of golf behind a group of blind golfers. As they wait for the impaired golfers to painstakingly finish the next hole, the doctor says "What a motivating sight. I'm inspired to start a clinic for visually impaired people in order that they might better pursue their dreams." The philanthropist nods in agreement and says "That's a worthy cause. I will donate a large sum of money toward this clinic of yours." The engineer says "Cou…

The Engineer's Interview An engineering firm is looking to fill a position, and has interviewed a few dozen applicants. They've winnowed it down to just three candidates, and they're all bright, motivated, and experienced. To make the final decision, the interviewer decides to pose one last question to each of them. He tells the three interviewees, "So this building we're in, any idea how tall it is, down to the inch?" All three shake their heads. Turning to the first he says, so if I gave you …