Engineer Jokes

man in a hot air balloon A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he's lost. He lowers the balloon, spots a man down below and shouts, ""Can you help me? I promised a friend I'd meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."" The man below says, ""Yes, you're in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above this field, which is at 42 degrees N. latitude and 60 degrees W. longitude."" ""You must be an engineer,"" says the balloonist. ""I am,"" replies the man. ""How did you know?"" ""Well,…

An Engineer in Hell An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan and says: ""So, how are t…

The art of hunting elephants (By profession) Hunting Elephants MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as a…

An Engineer, a priest, and a doctor... An engineer , a priest, and a doctor are all out golfing when they notice three blind men golfing in front of them. The blind are taking forever and the doctor calls over the club house manager and asks what's going on. The manager says well you see those are three firemen that saved our clubhouse from burning down last year and they lost their eyesight in the process, so we let them golf for free as much as they want. The priest then says "" oh my ..I am g…

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, ""Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."" So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming…

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip... A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip when all of a sudden their car breaks down. They pull over to the side of the road and start hypothesizing what is wrong. The chemical engineer says ""It's probably something wrong with the catalytic converter."" The mechanical engineer says ""It's probably something wrong with the engine."" The computer scientist says …

Budgeting costs The Italian government was getting ready to invest in a new software that would help them become more efficient. Three companies put bids forth and they turned out to be from different countries: China, Germany and Russia. The Chinese bid was $1 million, which was quite cheap. The German bid was for $2 million. So, the project director brings them in, to question them why there was such substantial difference. The Germans explained that German engineering produces higher quality …

A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

This is my dad's (a math major) favourite joke. What's the difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician? A mathematician and an engineer are living together in a dorm when a fire starts in their room. The mathematician wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly scans the room and sees a fire extinguisher and goes back to bed, happy knowing a solution exists. The engineer wakes up, sees the fire and uses the extinguisher to put it out.

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them. ""How are you going to travel on a single ticket?"" asked a lawyer. ""Wait and watch"" answered one of the engineers. When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He…

I'm going on a date with a chemical engineer this week, what are some good chemisty/engineering jokes? Best engineering joke I've heard: A man is walking in a field when he notices a guy adrift in a hot air balloon with no fuel. Balloon guy shouts down ""A little help here?"" The man on the ground looks up and shouts ""You are in a hot air balloon with no fuel, you're about 20 feet off the ground, travelling north at roughly walking pace."" The guy in the balloon shouts ""Are you an engineer?"" …

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are taken to the guillotine... On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches fr…

So the M25, the M40 and the M1 are drinking in a bar ... They've had quite a few jars and things are getting pretty rowdy. ""Do you remember that time we beat up all those crappy little A-roads?"" says the M25 ""the A14 had to have engineering works for a week!"" ""Yeah, and that time we rumbled with the M5 and M6, that was classic!"" pipes up the M40 ""I once punched the M3 so hard, he had to close a lane!"" interjects the M1 ""anyway, I'm off to the bar, I'll get a round in."" After picking up…

An engineer, a doctor and a priest were playing golf. A foursome was playing ahead of them and each man had his own personal ball spotter lining them up and then taking them to their ball. The game was moving extremely slow and the men were starting to become annoyed. The head golf pro showed up to see how the men were doing. The priest, being curious asked the pro what the deal with the men was. The pro answered that the four men were firefighters that lost their eyesight in the clubhouse fire …

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early... A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Why do so many Muslim students take Intro to Engineering? They heard it was a great place to find 72 virgins.

The Shredder A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. ""Listen,"" said the CEO, ""this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"" ""Certainly!"" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. ""Excellent, excellent!"" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, ""I ju…

The King and the Thrones Once there was a king- his kingdom was made up of houses made from the hay, mud and reinforced by waterproof grass fronds from the riverbanks. The king, naturally, had the biggest house, his being the only one in the kingdom to have two floors; a tricky bit of engineering for an all natural structure. Each year the king, on his birthday, would receive a new throne from his people - the first year they made him a wooden one from the finest trees in the forest. The year af…

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer shared a hotel room Midnight, the waste basket caught on fire. The mathematician woke up first, looked at the fire and the water bottle next to it. He then wrote on a piece of paper ""between the fire and the bottle, a solution exists"", signed, and went back to sleep. The physicist wake up second, saw the fire and the mathematician's paper, then went to the basket and measure the paper in the basket and the water in the bottle, then went back and wro…

Engineering students An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, ""If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess"". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, ""If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."" The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, ""If you kiss me and turn me back in…

Fencing in Cattle Three gentleman who excel in their respective fields are invited to compete in a competition. Competing are: a top Engineer, a shrewd Businessman, and an award-winning Mathematician. The judges, in turn ask each gentleman to fence in a herd of cattle using the shortest length of fence. The engineer goes first. He takes out a large sheet of graph paper, and maps out the outermost foot of each of the outermost cows. He then measures exactly how much fence is required to create a …

a wife asks her husband.... A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; ""Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"" A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, ""Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"" He replied, ""They had eggs.""

I'd like to go back in time, to when I said ""When I grow up, I wanna go to college, be an engineer or an Astronaut or a successful lawyer"" and change it to: ""When I grow up, I wanna barely graduate high school, start drinking and womanizing, get a factory job, get married, have two kids, get divorced and become addicted to something called Facebook."" Just imagine the sense of accomplishment I would have right now.

Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.

What is the most religious unit in electrical engineering? Ohm.