Jess Jokes

People are like, "Jess, can you give me some advice?" & I'm like, "K, don't get kidnapped."

"Jess is coming over" "Jess who indiscriminately murders people or-" *Gets stabbed to death* "Yes"

A farmer has 895 sheep. Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up. So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help. ""Why yes,"" says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I…

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says ""You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy"" Paddy replies ""OK Mick, I'll be on me way then."" Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ""Shoite"" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. ""Shoite, Shoite!"" He looks to the doorway…

Drunk Irishman Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Damn, 'Damn !' He looks to the doorway and t…

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "" You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, ""OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."" Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ""Shoite"" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ""Shoite, Shoite!"" He looks to the doorway and thinks…

Paddy had been drinking Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He loo…

What happens when you get more than you payed for with a Mexican Gigolo? The second coming of Jesús.

On a shopping trip to the city, a backwoods farmer bought a 24- piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished. "Look what I've done, Jess" he said proudly to a visiting neighbor. "That's surely something' Willard. How long it took?" "Only two weeks." "Never done a puzzle myself" Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?" "Darn tooting" Willard said, "Look at the box. It says, ‘From two to four years!’"