Chicago Jokes

An Elephant Never Forgets In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after whic…

They really grow them big in Texas A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit." Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?" "Well ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes sir, what size?" "Size 53 ... tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big." "Yes ma'am, they really grow them bi…

Engineers and Lawyers Three lawyers are buying tickets for a train to Chicago. Ahead of them in line, three engineers purchase a single ticket. One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to travel with just a ticket between the three of you?" "Watch and you'll see," winks one of the engineers. The train arrives, and the six of them climb on. The three lawyers take their seats while the three engineers pile into a bathroom. The train gets underway. A conductor starts making his rounds. Noti…

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner: "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance." "They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM …

How can you tell if your wife is being unfaithful? You move from Chicago to Seattle but still have the same mailman.

I just learned that someone in Chicago gets stabbed every 2 minutes. Poor guy

This might be the last chance I have to tell this joke for a while; So a man and his dog walk into a bar to watch the Packers/Bears game... [Long] A man and his dog walk into a bar to watch the football game between the Green Bay Packers and the Chicago Bears. The man takes a seat at the bar and his dogs hops up onto the empty stool right next to him and they both settle in for what is sure to be an exciting game. Sure enough, it's a battle for the ages. Early in the first quarter, Green Bay…

The Polish Cruise A Polish guy is walking down the street in Chicago when he sees a sign outside a bar: "Polish Special: Dinner and a Cruise, $3.00!" So the guy walks in. Immediately he is hit in the head and knocked out. When he wakes up, he's floating in Lake Michigan in a barrel with an apple in his lap. He looks around, and sees another guy floating in a barrel about 20 feet away. "Hey!" he yells. "Do we get dessert on this cruise?" And the other guy says, "We didn't last year."

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with? "Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear. "So mama bear?" asks the Judge. "Oh no she beats me even worse than papa bear," says baby bear. "So who would you like to live with?" the Judge asks curiously. "My grandma bear in Chicago." says b…

In 1996, Peter was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. ​ He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put …

‘I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.’ Told that he was being transferred to Chicago, a Seattle office worker said he would rather quit his job than move there. ‘What’s the problem?’ asked his boss. ‘You’ll be getting a big salary increase and much improved benefits. I thought you’d jump at the chance.’ ‘It’s the crime rate,’ explained the worker. ‘I just wouldn’t feel safe taking my wife and kids to such a violent city.’ ‘That’s nonsense,’ said the boss. ‘Chicago is a fantastic city, steeped in…

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner: "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be…

I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check. I said, "I'd like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago." The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, "We can't do that!" I immediately shot back, "Why? You did it last week."

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says... "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well…

A blonde gets on a plane A blonde woman gets on a plane headed to New York City. As she boards the plane the flight attendant points to her seat near the back of the plane. As she is boarding though she thinks to herself, “I’m awesome and I deserve to be in first class”. So she takes one of the seats up front. The flight attendant sees this and goes up to the woman and says, “Excuse me miss but your seat is back there, you can’t sit here as you did not pay for it.” The blonde responds, “But…

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned

A preacher at a church in Chicago... ...has almost reached the end of his sermon. Before he finishes

Apparently someone in Chicago gets stabbed every 52 seconds..

A guy sitting at a bar in Chicago O'Hare A guy sitting at a bar in Chicago O'hare noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself

Train tickets Three lawyers are buying tickets for a train to Chicago. Ahead of them in line

Flying Southwest Airlines A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy

Chicago anxiety Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago

Engineers and Lawyers Three lawyers are buying tickets for a train to Chicago. Ahead of them in line

A man from Illinois An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel

A lawyer gets pulled over for speeding in Chicago Lawyer: Is there a problem