Chicago Jokes

Incredible Story of Dr. Davis and an Elephant In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Victoria University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his kn…

""She's a Veterinarian."" Every Sunday morning a little old lady places $1,000 in the donation box at church. After a few weeks the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approaches her. ""Mrs. Smythe, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box.'"" ""Why yes,"" she replied, ""every week my daughter sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."" ""That's wonderful, how much does she send you?"" ""At least $2,000 a week."" ""And what does she do for a livi…

So the FBI, the DEA, and the Chicago police are looking for a bear ... This bear has been up to no good - it's suspected of running a major meth lab, money laundering, and even murder for hire. The authorities think the bear is hiding in some woods near Chi-town. The FBI go into the woods first. After a few hours, the agents come out. ""No bear in there,"" they say. ""He got away."" Then the DEA give it a try. They search the forest for 24 hours but find no suspects. Finally, the Chicago police …

A group of friends decide to create a punk rock band... ... and they decided to name the band after an obscenity. Since these friends were totally uncreative, they decided to name the band 'Shit', because their music was the shit. They stayed true to the classic, three-chord punk everyone from the 80s was familiar with. Shit started getting popular in their city. When critics caught wind of their first studio album, they saw Shit as a revival of classic punk, launching the band from small gigs t…

Morty sells off his garment business in Chicago and moves down to Florida to retire... After he's there a few months, he looks up an old business partner Irv who had retired to Boca Raton just a few years earlier. Irv invites Morty to his condo where they share a little lunch and catch up on old times. They light up cigars and Morty says ""Irv...? I gotta tell ya. I'm not sure this retirement thing is for me. I'm absolutely climbing the walls with boredom."" Irv: ""Bored? Acch bored. I'm never…

What is 32% black, 45% white... ...gets lit up and changes to blue and red at night? Chicago.

This man is frank and earnest with women... In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. - Henny Youngman (for a Monday morning pick-me-up.)

Bush My friend who is terrified of flying just texted me that hes flying to chicago for thanksgiving and that the radio is playing glycerin by bush and how it reminds him of 8th grade. Then i answer: if the plane starts going down maybe they will play everything zen!

Topical Jokes for 10/16 (for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host) Joe Biden's son has been discharged from the Navy after testing positive for cocaine. Joe Biden contacted his son immediately and asked, ""Do you have any left!?!"" New York has selected yogurt as the state's official snack. Governor Cuomo made the decision after riding on the New York subway, and sitting in a substance that he assumed was yogurt. In Illinois, a cow that is 6 feet, 4 inches tall, has b…

How long is the flight? A Polish man calls up an airline. ""How long is the flight from Chicago to Warsaw?"" ""One minute..."" ""Thank you."" *click*

The (Mostly) True Story of Two Musicians and a Summer in Boston Last summer, I went to Boston for a music program and met up with a bunch of awesome musicians, people from all over the world with all sorts of talents. My two roommates, for instance, were super chill guys. Sam was a saxophone player from Santa Barbara and George was a guitarist from Chicago. Super cool, like I said. Well, George got really envious of Sam for having a bunch of fans back in Santa Barbara, because apparently he was …

I Used to Work in Chicago, in an Old Department Store *I used to work in Chicago in an old department store,* *I used to work in Chicago I don't work there any more.* A lady came into the store one day for some screws *some screws from the store?* Some screws she wanted, nailed she got! I don't work there anymore Whaddaya got reddit?

What Did Delaware? -She wore her New Jersey! Why did California? -She called to ask Hawaii. Where did Chicago? -The same place Oregon Where has Oregon? I don't know but Alaska. She said she went to pay her Texas. What did Missisip? She sipped a Minnesota. What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas How did Wisconsin? He robbed an Oklahoma using a Kentucky. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NztfOSyCCFM

So there is a car full of lesbians and a car full of gay guys... ...heading from Chicago to Detriot. Who makes it there first? The lesbians because they were doing 69 the whole way while the gay guys were still in Chicago, packing their shit.

After i heard the the one about Abe and his wife trying to poison him... I remembered this one. A Polish man from Chicago married a Wisconsin girl after he had been in the states a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him ""very quick."" The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following quest…

I'm always Frank & Earnest With Women In Chicago I'm Frank in New York I'm Earnest

Nun at the Airport I have a relatively common name as my gmail address and got this one as an email forward from a total stranger: A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I'll give it a try and see what it tells me.' She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in, out came a card that read, 'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs,…

Lethal Food A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. ""The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"" ""You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."" The man lowered his he…

What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public? A private tutor (tooter) Heard it from a guy on the street selling newspapers in front of the art institute in chicago.

An Illinois man... ...left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day bef…

So, I'm walking through Chicago and I see a sign that says ""Muslim Book Store."" I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in. As I was wandering around, taking a look, a clerk with a full beard and a towel for a turban stops me and asks if he ... Read more...

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose…

font face=arial size=2> Two guys from Chicago, Illinois die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, 'What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?' The two guys reply, 'Well, you know, we're from Illinois, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.' The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to f…

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, ""If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"" The mother said, ""Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."" So the boy asked the stewardess, ""If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"" The stewardess responded, ""Did your mother te…

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, ""I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."" ""Pop, what are you talking about?"" the son screams. ""We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"" the old man says. ""We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,"" and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on …