Chicago Jokes

What do you call a chica on the go? Chicago

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity. But the man just smiled and said, ""Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring."" So, the Devil cranked up the heat and humidity even more, but the man just took off his coat, smiled again, and said, ""Well, this is just like Chicago in the summer."" Getting angry now, the Devil put the heat and humidity to the highest possib…

What's the most assigned elementary school essay in Chicago? ""What I want to be *IF* I grow up""

Elephants never forget In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, af…

TIL Chicago is the #1 supporter of Latin women. They always yell: Go Chica! Go!

Morning after The morning after pill...did you know it's called the ""anti-baby pill"" in Germany? And in Sweden it's called the ""regret pill"". However in Chicago it's called the ""crime fighter"" pill.

Trump should have called his rally in Chicago a ""job fair"" non of the protesters would've been there

Bernie Sanders and his supporters. The very people who accused Trump of spreading fascism, bigotry, and racism used those very things to close down the rally in Chicago.

What is Illinois known for? The three C's. Chicago, Corn, and Corruption.

Trump, King Salman and El Chapo Donald Trump, King Salman and El Chapo meet on top of the trump tower in Chicago to brag to each other how rich they are. King Salman brought a barrel with him and Trump was afraid he was going to make it explode, so he asks: ""What are you going to do with that?"". The King answers: ""This is a barrel of oil, I have enough of it in my country anyway, when I throuw this off the building, I wouldn't even miss it."" So he throws his barrel of oil off the building. T…

Stimulant 2. Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. ""Well,"" he says, ""I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."" The Tennessee contractor also does…

An ISIS attack wouldn't do any damage to Chicago What's one more pot hole?

Where do Chicago football fans buy engagement rings? De Beers

Chicago is the cleanest city in the world right now... BECAUSE IT JUST GOT SWEPT!!!!!!!!

Notes from the Chicago welfare office.... A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. 'WOW."" the social worker exclaims, ""Are they all yours?"" ""Yep, they is all mine,"" the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, ""Sit down Leroy."" All the children rush to find seats. ""Well.""' says the social worker, ""Then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."" ""Well, to keep it simple, the boys is all name…

Does Kanye really think America would elect a black man from the south side of Chicago with an odd name? Give me a break...

I like my pizza ""Chicago"" style. full of bullet holes.

A St. Louis Blues fan and Chicago Blackhawks fan walk into a bar together. The Blackhawks fan looks over and asks the Blues fan ""what's the post season like?"" The Blues fan replies, ""I don't know ask the Cubs.""       I thought of this the other day leaving the Blues/Hawks game with my buddy. He's a Hawks fan and I'm a Blues fan. We started giving each other shit after the Blues won. Might not be the best, but we still chuckled at it.

Being football fans ... Why do all the trees in Wisconsin lean to the south ? Because Minnesota blows & Chicago sucks

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.....> The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. ""Well,"" he says, ""I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."" The Tennessee contractor also does some…

Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly p…

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border. May I see your identification, please?"" asked the agent. ""I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,"" replied the guy. ""Sure Buddy, I hear that every day. No I.D., no entry,"" said the agent. ""Look, I can prove I'm an American!"" he exclaimed. ""I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side…

Cancer An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, ""I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that I have cancer and the doctor said I only have a month to live."" ""Pop, what are you talking about?"" the son screams. ""I don't really have the strength to talk right now,"" the old man says. ""I'm too sick to talk right now, so you call your sister in Chicago and let her know."" and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ""OH MY GOD! Th…

My Dad was the town drunk, ... and we lived in Chicago.

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, ""I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."" She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, ""You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago."" The Nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyon…