Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

Fact: Bernie Sanders won't release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

I'm going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint "Welcome to chicago" on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

Y'all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.