Chicago Jokes

Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said ""No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."" ""OK,"" said the judge, ""then you want to live with your mother, right?"" ""No way!"" replied baby bear, ""She beats me worse than Papa bear does."" The judge was a bit…

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life. The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City. St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward. St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He repl…

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself ""I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."" She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, ""You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and your are going to Chicago, Illinois."" She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells ev…

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch she goes New York L.A. Chicago

Where do wind gusts go to on dates? -To Chicago

The phone in Rigby's Georgia farmhouse rang one evening. When he answered the operator said ""This is long distance from Chicago."" ""I knowed it's a long distance from Chicago!"" answered the farmer. ""How come you called to tell me that?""

An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. …

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. ""The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You sir in the first row please give us your idea."" The man lowered his head and said ""W…

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says ""I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."" ""Pop what are you talking about?"" the son screams. ""We can't stand the sight of each other any longer"" the old man says ""We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her"" and he hangs up. Frantic the son calls his sister who explodes on the ph…

A mother and her son were flying ""Southwest Airlines"" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said ""If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats why don't big planes have baby planes?"" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess ""If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats why don't big planes have baby planes?"" The stewardess asked ""Did your mot…

I'm always Frank & Earnest With Women In Chicago I'm Frank in New York I'm Earnest

Praying and Sleeping Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life. The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City. St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward. St. Peter then asks the second man…

Southwest A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "D…

After i heard the the one about Abe and his wife trying to poison him... I remembered this one. A Polish man from Chicago married a Wisconsin girl after he had been in the states a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following…

There's 3 bears.. Mama bear, papa bear and baby bear. The parents get divorced and have to go to court to decide custody of the baby bear. The judge decides to let the baby decide: "do you want to go with your momma baby?" Baby replies : " no because she beats me!" Judge: " How about with your papa?" Baby:" No he beats me too!" Judge :"then what do you want to do baby bear?" Baby: "I want to go with the Chicago bears" Judge:" why the Chicago bears?" Baby "Because they don't beat anyone!" I'm…

Mkele Mbembe and his Eelephant In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunti…

This Custodian’s Cleaning Method Leaves These Girls Rethinking Lipstick According to a new report, a certain private school in Chicago, IL was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12th grade girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. Applying and wearing the lipstick was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day …

Email Joke It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to …

"No Jews Allowed" A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner: 'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversa…

Planting potatoes in Chicago So there's this old Pakistani man who lives alone in Chicago. One day he sends an e-mail to his son Ahmad : "Dear son, I would love to plant some potatoes in the backyard but I'm old and lonely, I can't plow the land without your help. With love, your father." Later that night, Ahmad responds : "Dear dad, for the love of God PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THE LAND ! I have buried "the thing" there. Your loving son, Ahmad." That same night at 3 in the morning, 4 FBI age…

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.....> The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measu…

So a guy named Mike applies to join a Chicago police department. "The first test is to lift a bag that is the size of a human and carry it to safety out of a building.", says the chief. Mike succeeds. "Next, you must show us your driving skills and show that you can handle a police car.", the chief says. Mike succeeds. "Now, for your final test, I want you to go shoot a black teenager and three songbirds.", says the chief. "Why should I shoot three songbirds?", says Mike. "Congratulations…

I like to be frank and earnest with women. In Brooklyn, I'm Frank and in Chicago I'm Ernest.

Divorce An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on…

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity. But the man just smiled and said, “Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring.” So, the Devil cranked up the heat and humidity even more, but the man just took off his coat, smiled again, and said, "Well, this is just like Chicago in the summer." Getting angry now, t…