Sports Jokes

Jesus and Saint Peter are playing a round of golf... They approach a par four that bends left around a small pond then straight to the green. Saint Peter decides to play it safe and hit to the turn then layup to the green. Jesus then tees up and looks left over the pond toward the green. JC:""What do you think Peter? Think I can make it to the green in one over the pond""? SP: lol Mac:""Well what would Arnold Palmer do?"" SP: ""Well, Arnold Palmer would make it on in one with his 7 iron from her…

Playing Golf So, I got home late after a round of golf. My wife was waiting for me, and boy, she was pissed. ""Where were you?!"" she demanded to know. ""Well,"" I sighed, ""I was out playing a round of golf with Fred from HR, and he had a heart attack on the 10th hole."" ""That's terrible!"" she exclaimed, her eyes widening in shock. ""Yeah,"" I said. ""The rest of the time it was 'Hit the ball. Drag Fred. Hit the ball. Drag Fred...'""

Olympics Ticket To whoever might interest, a friend of mine bought a ticket for the Olympics football finals, but he didn't realize the date was the same as his upcoming marriage. If any of you wants to take his place, with everything already paid, the marriage takes place at the Catholic Church and the bride's name is Joanna.

What do baseball teams and muffins have in common? They both rely on a good *batter*

Why are black people good at basketball? Because they can run, shoot and steal at the same time.

Why doesn't Jesus play basketball? He got crossed up.

Did you hear the one about the baseball player murdered mid-game? He went down swinging!

I found a dead girl on the golf course It was a difficult shot, but I was able to chip it over her head and right up onto the green.

I want to own a basketball franchise in Miami and I want to name the team humidy... Then when someone asks if its the heat I can go ""its not the heat, its the humidity.""

Henny Youngman joke In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, ""We want Youngman! We want Youngman!"" The coach says, ""Youngman - go see what they want!""

A UK businessman returns from Japan... after spending a few weeks out there trying to gain some new clients and drum up new business. During his trip he had some serious down time and got busy with a few of the local girls. One in particular seemed extremely satisfied during their encounter. She didn't speak a word of English but screamed ""Nakahi"" in utter delight throughout. Returning after a successful trip, he arranges lunch with one of the UK's top businessmen who has a lot of potential Ja…

Did you hear about the Barcelona football star who got busted for tax evasion? They said his tax returns were Messi.

Best African soccer team EVER! the French National team...

What's the fat person's favourite football club? KFC.

2. So I said to the shoe salesman... - I'm looking for a pair of basketball shoes... Shoe salesman - ajkdkdkaldnrmsldkd - what? Shoe salesman - sorry, I was struggling to converse.

She can't sleep (really long) credit: Bill Moen, an 80's San Francisco Bay Area radio personality. Stuck with me for decades, I can still hear his voice telling it: A couple are in bed and in the middle of the night she wakes up and gets to thinking and now can't sleep. Her husband turns over and she figures he's awake too so she decides to talk to him about stuff on her mind. So she shakes him, and asks, ""if I die do you think you'll remarry?"" The poor guy is actually dead asleep, but wakes u…

My coworker was in a pretty bad situation. His name was Joe, he was fresh out of college and came right out of nowhere, moved cross-country for the job, and could no longer afford his hotel. I barely knew him but I took him into my apartment, where I was living with my girlfriend. We spent most of our time drinking, watching football, talking about work. This went on for months and months. One day, I decided to propose to my girlfriend. Late one night I snuck into her room, and saw Joe forcing h…

In baseball, why does it take longer to get from second to third than any other bases? Because there's a short stop in between.

Offside rule for women You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at…

Two old men are playing golf One turns to the other after the first hole and says, ""Something smells. Did you shit your pants?"" The other says ""No, I didn't."" They play another few holes and the first asks again, ""It sure smells bad. You shit your pants didn't you?"" Again, the other denies it, so the first old man says, ""Pull down your pants and show me."" He does so, and there is shit all over his underwear. The first old man says, ""I knew it! You didn't shit in your pants,"" to which t…

Why did the basketball receive medical attention? He was passed out.

Blonde Auto Repair... A blonde was driving to the mall (of course!) when she got caught in a sudden hailstorm with hail the size of golf balls. Her car was ruined. She took it to a body shop and asked the appraiser, ""How much to fix it?"" The appraiser's answer was $5,000. The fair-hair girl exclaims, ""Wow! That much? Isn't there something else I could do?"" He decided to have a little fun. ""Well, maybe if you blew real hard into the tail pipe, those dents would just pop out."" ""Really? Okay…

What paper do you read? The Wall Street Journal - Read by people who run the country. The Washington Post - Read by people who THINK they run the country. The New York Times - Read by people who think they SHOULD be running the country. The Boston Globe - Read by people whose parents used to run the country, and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. The NY Daily News - Read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they can get a seat on the subway. The San …

I found a carrier bag with an England football shirt that someone had just thrown away, I couldn't believe it... Carrier bags are worth 5p these days!

Why was the Icelandic football player called into his manager's office? He had a cavity.