Sports Jokes

Mom's Affair There was this woman see, and she takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Without her knowing, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet, where the little boy is also hiding. The little boy says, ""Dark in here."" The man says, ""Yes it is."" Boy - ""I have a baseball."" Man - ""That's nice."" Boy - ""Want to buy it?"" Man - ""No, thanks."" Boy - ""My dad's outside."" Man - ""OK, how muc…

My new american football video game has so many glitches. It's really maddening

I played tennis with a eunuch once... No competition, the balls were in my court.

My dad went to play golf... On a sunny Saturday afternoon and was randomly paired up with a priest. On the first hole, dad missed a three foot putt for par and said to himself ""G*d damn it, I missed!"" The priest said to him ""My son, please do not take the lord's name in vain."" On the second hole, my dad missed a two foot putt for par. He was so mad, he said it again, this time even louder - ""G*d Dammit! I missed!"" The priest again said ""Son! Please do not take the lords name in vain! You …

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed..... .........when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question. WIFE: ""What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"" HUSBAND: ""Definitely not!"" WIFE: ""Why not - don't you like being married?"" HUSBAND: ""Of course I do."" WIFE: ""Then why wouldn't you remarry?"" HUSBAND: ""Okay, I'd get married again."" WIFE: ""You would?"" (with a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: ""Would you live in our house…

""Oh my god,"" said my wife, smiling, ""our boy's...kicking."" I said, ""Yes, that's generally how football works.""

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long. She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention. Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked, ""Why are you back so soon?"" What's wrong?"" ""I was stung by a bee,"" she answered. ""Where?,"" he asked. ""Between the first and second holes,"" she replied. He nodded his head knowingly …

A man is stranded on a desert island... ... When all of a sudden a beautiful brunette in full scuba gear strides out of the water surrounding the island. She sits down next to the awestruck man and says, ""Would you like a cigarette?"" The man agrees, and she unzips a pouch on her thigh and pulls out some cigarettes and a lighter. After they've finished their cigarettes, the brunette says, ""Would you like a drink?"" The man agrees, and the woman opens a small bag at her waist, and takes out a s…

In memory of Arnold Palmer, I wore my golf underwear today... ...the one's with 18 holes. (Too soon?)

Playing golf for the first time this weekend reminded me of my trip to Taiwan It was a good experience and I had a great time, even though I ended up in a few traps.

Arnold Palmer (RIP) joke Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf. They come to a tee where the hole is on an island. Moses says, ""You gonna use a wood?"" Jesus says,"" No, Arnold Palmer would use a 9 iron."" Jesus does so, and his ball goes in the water. So he starts walking across the water to get his ball. Another group comes up and asks Moses, ""Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"" ""No, says Moses, ""He thinks he's Arnold Palmer""

Can someone integrate this equation? This joke comes from my father, who taught at a mostly black high school During a calculus lecture: ""Can someone come to the board and integrate this?"" he says, pointing to an equation He looks around, wondering why no one has answered Once again, he asks ""Can someone come up and integrate this?"" He does this several times, until a large, 200 lb football player from the back stands up and says ""Doc, have you got a black piece of chalk?""

Why did the feminist sign up for football? She wanted to be the center of attention.

I'd hate to play baseball with the witches from Macbeth. Because I don't like playing baseball with girls.

Baseball is wrong. A man with 4 balls cannot walk.

What football position did the forever alone play? Left Out

I'm opening a tennis themed bar... I'm calling it ""First Come, First Served""

Four mid-life friends meet up once a year. This year they decide to meet in the bar that was once their local for an evening of drinking and catching up. Jack heads to the bar to get the first round in. Steve A starts the conversation. ""So hows the family guys? My son is doing quite well, airline pilot! The other day he took his new squeeze to Jamaica, his third holiday in 3 months.."" Steve B leans in and scoffs at the idea. ""My lad is in banking. Just bought his other half a yacht. Planning …

The Patient to the Doctor, every night I saw in my dreams The patient to the Doctor: Every night I saw in my dreams horses and donkeys playing football. Doctor:Don't worry, I give you some medicines, you will be fine. Patient: Can I take medicines tomorrow. Doctor: Why? Patient: Tonight is their Final Match!

A group of philosophers entered a statue contest... After an hour, their statue was ready. The judge walked up to see a row of tees in grass, with soccer balls sitting on top. The judge said, ""Excellent work. As philosophers, I can see how you've incorporated your jobs into your piece. The soccer represents cooperation among mankind, to protect and to still push forward. The tees represent golf, where your mind is superior to all else in the sport. You use your whole body in tandem with your br…

A couple practices baseball together. The girlfriend ends up as catcher, and the boyfriend pitches. ""Give me a pitch that'll blow me away!"" The boy thinks for a bit, then says ""Here, ill give you the double entendre pitch!"" He ended up nailing her.

What's brown and very bad for your dental health? A baseball bat.

A politician dies... And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. ""So, you're a politician..."" ""Well, yes, is that a problem?"" ""Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"" ""Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??"" says the …

Why are ophans no good at baseball? They dont know where home is.

My Football coach got fired because he got accused on Pedophillia charges. But say what you want about the man, he could turn any young tight end into a wide receiver.