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Three buddies watching Sunday night football. An ant, a spider, and a centipede are watching Sunday night football together at the ants' house. The ant notices their beer supply is running low, so being a good host he tells his buddies he is going to run to the beer store to get more. While the ant was heading out the centipede stops him and says ""hey let me go and get the beer, I will be much faster than you, I have more legs, I'm built for speed"" the ant thought this guy is too full of himse

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Joke I heard today from the lady running my football pool: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation, but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you or someone you know would be interested and wanted to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5 pm. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.

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A pair of lifelong friends play golf and go to Hooters Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf. They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch. ""Where you wanna go?"" ""Hooters."" ""Why?"" ""Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs..."" ""OK."" Ten years later at 40, they play. ""Where you wanna go?"" ""Hooters."" ""Why?"" ""Well, you know, they

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A housewife invited her lover to the house one day... Knowing that her husband was at work, yet unaware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet, she invited over her lover. Her husband came home early, and she hid her lover in the closet, so the boy had company now: * Boy: ""Dark in here."" * Man: ""Yes it is."" * Boy: ""I have a baseball."" * Man: ""That's nice."" * Boy: ""Want to buy it?"" * Man: ""No, thanks."" * Boy: ""My dad's outside..."" * Man: ""OK, how much?"" * Boy: ""250."" *

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A guy took a blonde to a her first football game... She had never watched football before, and so the guy was prepared to explain everything to her, but to his surprise she didn't ask a single question and cheered enthusiastically the whole game. Afterwards, as they were leaving, he asked her how she liked the game. She said it was a blast but she was confused about one thing. He asked her what it was. ""well, at the beginning, they flipped a coin, and then for the rest of the game everyone was

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Let them quit the game early! A wife was telling her ""Football Referee"" husband: - Dear! There is an anniversary of death in my parents family. You'll prepare to go there with me, won't you? - Alas! I can't go, because this afternoon I have to work as a referee for the Championship Cup Competition Football Match. You'll have to go alone! - That's unacceptable! It's my Great Grandma. If you don't come, my relatives will insult me. - So, when will the anniversary begin? -At 5:00pm. - Alas! The m

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[LONG] The telephone rang at dawn. 'Hello, Senor George? This is Roberto, the caretaker at your country house.' 'Hi Roberto. How are you? Is there a problem?' 'Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Senor George, that your parrot died.' 'My parrot? Dead? The one that collected three prizes at the New York bird show?' 'Yes, Senor, that's the one.' 'Damn! That's a real shame. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?' 'From eating rotten meat, Senor George.' 'Rotten meat? Who the hel

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: ""Hello""WOMAN: ""Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?""MAN: ""Yes.""WOMAN: ""I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?""MAN: ""Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.""WOMAN: ""I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 m

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Genie A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said, ""Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."" The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, ""I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost

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We find Jesus... We find Jesus playing golf one beautiful cloud free day (as heaven is floating on clouds) He is joined by Moses and an elderly man wearing tacky old golf clothing. Moses plays first, he swings his golf stick with precision befitting a man who has used a staff since dawn of humanity, the ball flies perfectly, almost, when it suddenly falls straight into the lake just shy of the green surrounding the hole. Unfazed, Moses walks over, spreads his arms, and parting the waters to reve

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80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a ""Blondes Are Not Stupid"" Convention. The leader says, ""We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, ""What is 15 plus 15?"" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, ""Eighteen!"" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, ""Give her another chance! Give her another c

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An American, Iranian, and a Mexican are sitting in a plane when suddenly the captain says "" Ok everyone remain calm but the airplane is too heavy and we are going down, everybody needs to throw some items out of the plane. The Iranian throws out a soccer ball and says"" we have too many of these in my country"" The Mexican throws out some bread and says "" We have too many of these in my country"" The American picks up and throws out the Mexican and says "" We have too many of these in my count

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