Russia Jokes

Map jokes How do you get around in Italy? You Rome. Why does everyone love Thailand? They Bangkok. I Congo to Africa, Kenya? Why do the French take there time? They hate to Russia What's the unhappiest state? Misery Who are the unhappiest Europeans? The Hungary ones. Why are the so many Subway's in India? Because it's the New Delhi capitol of the world. Why does Russia have so many Latino immigrants. Because they have Mas Cow. Where can you eat of the floor. Where they Florence. FEEL FREE TO ADD…

Gotta love Russia A man decides to go and settle down in Russia. Once there, however, he realizes that the country is in terrible shape: Disease everywhere, people going hungry, no electricity, everything is in shambles. He goes to buy a loaf of bread, but sees the a huge line in front of the store. After waiting in line for nearly 5 hours, he can't take it anymore. ""THAT'S IT!"" He screams. ""I am going to kill Putin, he is responsible for this, enough is enough"" and he runs out of the line t…

After hearing all this stuff about Russia being upset I'm just like... Oh Putin, Crimea river.

Russian referendum. Russia initiates a referendum in Crimea about returning Crimea back to Russia. Ukraine initiates a referendum about returning Kaliningrad to Germany, Sakhalin and the Kuril Islands to Japan, Kazan - to Tatar, Karelia - to Finland, Siberia to Yakuts, and everything situated east from Ural mountains - to ingenious people.

What's the best Russian Reversal joke you know? A few of my favourites.... * In Soviet Russia, Google searches you * In Soviet Russia, sentence finishes you * In America, you drive car. In Soviet Russia, car drives you * In Soviet Russia, lazy dog jumps over quick brown fox * In Soviet Russia, fetus aborts you. * Roses are red, Violets are blue, In Soviet Russia, Poems write YOU * in soviet Russia, chuck Norris still kills you

Ukrainian dog in Russia. The dog runs from Ukraine to Russia across the boarder. People asks: ""Why are you running?"" The dog replies: ""Life in Ukraine is hard, I decided to go live in Russia."" A week later, the dog, with the eyes bulging, runs back to Ukraine. ""Why are you coming back?"" ""They didn't allow me even to bark there!""

Russia to scale down security measures at the Sochi Winter Olympics A senior official of OMON--the Russian anti-terror task force--told reporters Thursday that they would be toning down security for the Olympics due to budget constraints. One reporter asked, ""but what if terrorists detonate a bomb in Sochi?"" In response, the senior OMON official stated, ""it is doubtful that anybody would notice.""

Communist Russia wins the space race Teacher: Ivan, tell us, who was the first country to land people on the Moon? Ivan: It was our mother Russia, Comrade! Teacher: Very good, Ivan! And what did the first Russian cosmonauts find on the Moon? Ivan: The American flag, Comrade!

The official bad Yakov Smirnoff punchline thread about the Sochi Olympics You have been warned... In Russia, yellow water is not dirty, it's colored that way by Russian government so we don't mistakenly drink water instead of vodka!

X-Post from /r/Standup: If I ever got on stage I'd give my version of the Teletubbies... Here's my skit on the Teletubbies. So I hate the Teletubbies. It's one of the most mindless children's shows I've ever seen. I sometimes had to watch it because my ex's nephew loved the show and when we baby sat him that's all he wanted to watch. To me all it is, is a bunch of weird looking giant different colored babies dancing around on an acid trip, with dumb shapes on their heads. How is this informative…

End of the world Scientists predict the end of the world, they say that there will be a huge tsunami on earth in 2 weeks. So presidents of all nations are now on tv to speak about it. It starts with Barrack Obama: "" My fellow americans, you have now 15 days to spend all of your dollars, so just buy some stuff and enjoy while you can"". Vladimir Poutine: ""Mother Russia will be devastated in 2 weeks, and there will be nowhere else to live so i decided that you are now all free to speak and expre…

Why Are Firetrucks Red? Firetrucks have 4 wheels and carry 8 men. 4 + 8 = 12 There are 12 inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas. Fish live in the seas. Fish have fins. People from Finland are called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago. Russia has red on its flag. And that's why they're red. Cause they're always *russian* around.

You know Coca Cola's newest advertising campaign in russia? Under each seventh cap - **vodka**!

A fugitive in Russia The room was packed. Military officials, informants, and members of the cabinet surrounded the President, anxiously waiting for the situation's broadcasting to begin. A man walked into the room, his striped suit sleek but worn in that way that seems particular to those with stressful jobs. ""Mr. President, we've got good news, and bad news,"" he announced, steadily yet nervously stepping to his place at the front of the room. ""Walt, you know I, uhhh, value your opinion. You…

I asked my friend, ""If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be?"" He said, ""Cold War Russia.""

Why isn't Edward leaving Russia? ...because he's snowed in.

Northerners Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day, resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?' God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?' 'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.' 'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.God explained, pointing do…

Russian Condoms! President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: ""Our largest condom factory has exploded!"" the Russian President cried; ""my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"" ""Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,"" replied the President. ""I do need your help,"" said Yeltsin. ""Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"" ""Why certainly! I'll get right on it!"" said Clinton. …

Russian Condoms One day the president of the largest condom company in Russia is called down by his sales associate. He tells the president that they have just gotten a huge order from America for double extra large 16"" condoms. The associate tells the prez that it must be a prank, so the president mulls it over for a minute and then says ""Make their order, but when you mark them them for shipping, stamp them with 'EXTRA SMALL.'""

Budgeting costs The Italian government was getting ready to invest in a new software that would help them become more efficient. Three companies put bids forth and they turned out to be from different countries: China, Germany and Russia. The Chinese bid was $1 million, which was quite cheap. The German bid was for $2 million. So, the project director brings them in, to question them why there was such substantial difference. The Germans explained that German engineering produces higher quality …

Local Call George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars,…

Regular Russia, not the Soviet one Ivan and Igor are standing at a bus stop in Russia. It is freezing cold and raining hard. A limo drives by and splashes icy water all over them. Ivan says to Igor, ""This is a terrible place to live, I want to go to America."" Igor responses, ""Why do think America would be any better."" Ivan stares at Igor in disbelief, ""Do you know what would happen in America? If a limo drove by and splashed you, the rich man would pull over, apologize, help you into the ca…

A bit of a Republican joke George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 …

my favorite joke I heard in school Rudolph was a child adopted from Russia. One day Rudolph and his brother are arguing if it is raining or snowing outside. Rudolph says it raining and his brother says its snowing. They decide to ask their mother what she thinks. Their mother says its raining. When his brother asked why she agreed with Rudolph she said ""Because Rudolph the red knows rain dear.""

I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn't affect the price of Vodka!