Russia Jokes

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency... ""Our largest condom factory has exploded,"" the Russian President cried. ""My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"" ""Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,"" replied the President. ""I do need your help"" said Putin. ""Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?"" ""Why certainly! I'll get right on it…

I figured out how to invade Russia You destroy all of the vodka then they'll be to sober to shoot straight.

A Yakov Smirnoff joke from the 80's In America you have many channel. In Soviet Russia vee only have 2 channel: KGB1 and KGB2. KGB1 is station vith KGB agent say all day how great is Mother Russia. KGB2 is station vith KGB agent say ""TURN BACK TO KGB1!""

Why couldn't the ex-CIA agent leave Russia? Because he was Snowden

Two Friends, An American and a Russian... There were two friends, an American and a Russian. The American was jobless and hungry. But he had an idea: he went to the gates of the White House, sat on the ground outside and began eating hay. Obama saw him there and asked: 'What are you eating hay for?' 'Because I'm hungry and I haven't a job.' Obama was outraged and ordered that he be fed and given some money. 'What else would you like?' 'A ticket to Russia to visit my friend.' Obama made the arran…

I had a friend from Ukraine. Now he's from Russia.

My friend asked me what superpower I wanted I said cold war Russia

Why is Russia such a gassy country? Because their leader has been Putin for a long time.

How do you call a USB stick in Russia? A put-in

Why can't you have military coup in Russia? Because in Russia the military coups you.

A cow fell off a truck in Russia They say he hadn't been Put in properly.

An old joke from Soviet Russia during Stalins great purge Ivan and Masja had just gone to sleep when someone banged loudly and on the door and screamed their names. Knowing how KGB made their arrests in the middle of the night Ivan told his wife to hide while he got the door. She anxiously hid under the bed when Ivan came back. ""Relax Masja"" he said, ""there is no need to be worried"" ""It was just Osip telling us our house is on fire""

Chainsaw One day, a chainsaw salesman goes out into the middle of a very rural community, somewhere in the middle of Russia. He spots a potential customer, and asks him to buy a chainsaw. ""Hey, sir! Would I be able to interest you in a chainsaw? That handsaw you are using will be left in the dust when you start using this."" The man replies: ""Vell, I guess it vouldn't hurt, but I fink my handsaw vould be better in za long run."" The businessman is not deterred. ""Sir, I promise you that this s…

Second attempt How to survive in Russia in 21 century?

An American spy on Russia has just leaked confidential information regarding their government [deleted]

In 1940 Russia, a poor man with no car was late to his daughter's wedding. He hitchhiked there with an unexpected guest who drove very slowly. What did he tell his daughter? ""Sorry I'm late. My ride was Stalin.""

ww2 Russia be like... You better Czech yourself before you rek yourself.

What's the current number one song in Russia? Crimea river

One day in Soviet Russia, an officer is ordered to give a ticket to anyone speeding Mikhail Gorbachev comes driving into Russia after a meeting in belgrade, he is with his chauffeur and must get to the Kremlin as fast as possible. He tells his chauffeur to get to the back and that he will drive. As Gorbachev is speeding, the officer sees the speeding car and pulls him over. At the end of the day he is asked why he didn't give a ticket to that speeding car. The officer replies with, ""I couldn't …

Is she Hungary? ""Is she Hungary?"" Jimmy asked. ""Alaska,"" said Johnny. ""Yes, Siam,"" she replied. ""All right. I'll Fiji,"" Jimmy offered. ""Oh, don't Russia "" Johnny admonished. ""What if she Whales?"" Jimmy demanded. ""Give her a Canada Chile,"" Johnny suggested. ""I'd rather have Turkey,"" she said. ""Except that I can't have Greece."" When the waiter bought the check, Johnny asked Jimmy, ""I say, look and see how much has Egypt you.""

This is naut, ok? If America has 'astronauts' and Russia has 'cosmonauts', does Denmark have 'deeznauts'?

A man walks into a bar in Russia. ""Can I have one beer?"" - he asks the barman. ""That will be two hundred rubles,"" - says the barman. """"What? It was one hundred yesterday!"" - says the man. ""Well, you see, it is one hundred for a beer and now you have to add a hundred for Crimea,""- says the barman. The man hands him two hundred rubles. The barman gives him back a hundred and says: ""We are out of beer"".

Contrary to popular belief, Stalin was from Georgia, not Russia. Stalin wasn't Russian anywhere.

If your soviet girlfriend wants to take it slow Don't Russia

Electrians A boy says to his friend: ""Where is your father fighting?"" ""He is in Russia, how about yours?"" ""Oh, he is an ellectrician"" ""How so? I didnt know they enlisted them."" ""He had 2 lighting bolts on his uniform.""