Russia Jokes

How do you order a glass of water in Russia? Ask for a virgin vodka.

Russia admitted today to hacking the DNC in an attempt to get Donald Trump elected They went on to say that they decided not to take any action, however, once they saw Hillary Clinton's campaign strategy.

My Donald J. Trump doll finally arrived. It was manufactured in China, then shipped to Russia for special handling.

A hostel in USSR A banker went to Moscow, and he stayed in a hostel on Moscow's outskirts. Only available room has three other people in it - a group of friends. He had a very important meeting the next day, but his roommates were loud; drinking, playing cards and telling jokes about communism, Lenin, Stalin and USSR. The banker, tired and sleepy, went to the reception. ""I'd like to order four teas to room 16, in 10 minutes"" he said to porter. Back in his room, he said loudly: ""Comrades, I he…

I was with my wife in Russia when it starts to drizzle So I say to my wife ""It's raining"" she quickly responds (looking to start a fight) ""Actually, I think it's snowing"". This goes back and forth for a few minutes when I notice my buddy Officer Rudolf of the communist national guard. I go over to him and ask, ""Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"" He glances over and replies, ""raining, ofcourse"". I turn back to my wife and triumphantly announce, ""See, Rudolf the red knows rain dea…

Whata country.. You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores. He says, ""On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, ""What a country!""

My Russian friends cringe everytime I tell a joke... Because in Russia line punch you.

With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country. We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.

As a citizen from Baltic states Hello Russia, my old friend You've come to talk to me again New SovietRussia vision softly creeping You've spread your seeds while we were sleeping And the vision that was planted in your brain Still remains Within the sound of silence

After the elections the new President goes to visit Russia... ... in order to foster good will. As a traditional show of respect the Russians perform a 21-gun salute. A few blocks away a little old babushka walking down the street is startled by the great noise and asks a young man passing by ""What is happening? Is this the start of World War III?"" The young man laughs and answer ""No, nothing like that. The American President has come to Russia."" Satisfied with the answer the old woman conti…

A doctor from U.K. says: ""In U.K. the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's hand; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."" The German doctor comments:""That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."" A Russian doctor says:""That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he…

A polish peasant farmer... ...is digging in his field one day when he hits something with his shovel. Picking it up and dusting it off, he recognizes it as an old lamp. A genie pops out and offers him three wishes. The Pole thinks about his wishes for the entire day and finaly decides. ""Genie"", he says, ""I want the Mongol hordes to sweep through Poland."" The Genie snaps his fingers and a low rumbling sound of hoofbeats is heard. Over the horizon come the Mongol hordes which ride down and kil…

There's a new holiday in Russia called ""National Sobriety Day"" People are at a loss as to how to celebrate it.

Oldie - -Communist China telegrams Soviet Russia Communist China: WE ARE OUT OF FOOD. SEND GRAIN Soviet reply: WE ARE ALSO OUT OF FOOD. TIGHTEN YOUR BELTS Communist China: SEND BELTS

It's a cold night in Moscow, and Natasha and Sergey are getting busy in the back of Sergey's brand new Yugo. The heat is on in more ways than one, and Natasha can tell that Sergey is getting close. She tries to stop him and ask, ""Do you have protection?"", but it's too late. Two months later, Natasha is late, so she takes a pregnancy test. Sure enough, she's pregnant. In tears, she tells her parents. They ask how it's possible. ""It's an accident!"" she swears. Her father goes and finds Sergey …

Russia doesn't have a online TV streaming service. It's called Nyet-Flix.

Why does Edward never leave Russia? He's always Snowden.

A Russian, a French and a German tourist walk through New Guinea... ...when, suddenly, a cannibal tribe emerges from the jungle and attacks them. They're caught and brought to the village, where the tribe's chief walks out. ""Ah,"" he says, ""nice to meet you! Now, we'll eat you, of course, that's our tradition, but it's nothing personal, I don't want you to think of us badly. So, you'll all get one wish before we begin."" The Frenchman looks around and says ""Well, if I have to die, let me spen…

So, the Presidential Election is only a little over weeks away and I still haven't decided... ...if I should learn Russian, Chinese, Arabic or Spanish Because we will probably have a war against Russia and lose, or get economically crushed by China, or get sold out to the Arabs, or get overran by Mexicans.

My favorite French Army Jokes **Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?** To see the battle **Why do French tanks have 6 gears?** 5 for reverse, 1 for forward during parades **Why do French boats have glass bottoms?** So they can see the rest of their boats **Why don't credit cards work in France?** They don't know how to say ""CHARGE"" **What do you call a French man killed defending his country?** I don't know, it never happened. **France decided they would change their flag to be more sui…

So, tensions with Russia flair up... ... And the Cold War reignites. With both the USA and Russia standing on the brink of total nuclear annihilation, the leaders decide to meet. Both agree that nothing on earth is worth an apocalypse, so they decide to end things once and for all; with a winner-takes-all dogfight. Both sides have 5 years to breed a dog, and on the set date of the fight, a single uncontested world power will emerge. The Russians immediately find the biggest and meanest Rottweile…

40 years ago today I married my wife My whole side of the wedding flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however i did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, ""you may now kiss the bride"", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people where waiting to get a frui…

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin make phone calls George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished th…

Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia... And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed? No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row. 'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Shoot everyone in the second row', so everyone in the second row gets shot. Stalin, getting impatient, asks again: who sneezed? A man in the middle of the crow…

A Russian, a Cuban, an American , and a lawyer share a room on a train... As they're exchanging stories about their journey across the world, the Russian took out a bottle of fine Russian vodka, pours everyone a cup, then proceed to throw the rest out the window. The rest of them are very confused and ask why he would throw away such fine vodka. The Russian explains: ""We have much vodka in mother Russia, throwing one away would not matter. "" After a while, the Cuban takes out a box of fine Cub…