Russia Jokes

Vladimir Putin Speech Vladimir Putin is giving a speech in Moscow. He is praising his government for bringing economic prosperity to the nation of Russia. "In my government every citizen has a television set and an automobile to drive!" He says to thunderous applause. Once the applause subsides, a hand goes up near where Putin is and he notices. He calls out to the man whose hand is raised and says, "What is it that you wish to say, citizen?" The man begins to speak to Putin and the crowd quie…

Old jokes about Russians ..from Soviet times... from Lithuania. Few Days after Jurij Gagarin went to space and was the first human who ever made it into space, in a small village a man is visiting his neighbour. "Jonai ! Did you read that ? The Russians now went into Space!" his neighbour got big eyes, happiness came over his face and he asked back: "Really ? All of them !? " -------- ------------------------------------------------------------------ Few years after occupation the Russi…

A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus. "Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here."

A young boy goes to his father in Russia The boy asks "Papa, could I please have 5 rubles" Papa is surprised and asks "20 rubles? Why do you need 50 rubles?"

In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio. Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. "Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America. "And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory. "And we're also at war with the British Empire…

Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror... (ahem) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder..." Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?" …

Vladimir Putin making a school visit... Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as …

f Germany is the “Fatherland” and Russia is the “Motherland”, was the Second World War a divorce case?

A russian and an american find themselves in hell in front of Satan. Satan: "We have two kinds of hell here: american hell and russian hell, which one do you choose?". American: "What's the difference?" Satan: "In american hell you have to eat one bucket of shit every day, while in russian hell you have to eat two buckets of shit every day." American: "Well, I guess I choose american hell then." Satan turns to the russian. Satan: "What about you?" Russian: "I've been living my whole life…

Today's joke from Russian-language Internet "You know, they've built a George Orwell memorial in Russia!" 'What? Where?" "Pretty much everywhere."

The Russian Pretzel An American wrestler was invited to a tournament in Russia a few years ago. In his weight class there was a Russian wrestler known for his use of the Russian pretzel to pin his opponents. Fortunately for the American, he wouldn't have to to face this menacing force until the championship. Throughout the tournament the American had barely beaten every opponent while the Russian had pinned everyone he faced by the Russian pretzel. During the match, the American seemed …

An American spy goes to Soviet Russia. An American spy is in Soviet Russia. He is digging up information on a powerful Russian politician, and is pretending to be a Russian. He finds the politician in a bar, and walks in, dressed in Russian attire. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink, and walks to the politician. "Greetings, comrade", says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy". The spy is ala…

Russia might not celebrate thanksgiving but I'm pretty sure they will be frying a turkey.

It's Thanksgiving, who doesn't like Turkey? Russia

A couple is walking in communist Russia... They feel a slight precipitation. "Is it raining?" Said the husband. "No, its snowing." Said the wife. "How about we ask this communist officer here? For he is in the right always." "Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?" "Definitely raining, comrades." Officer Rudolph says as he walks off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear." My 11 year old cousin has been telling this joke to anybody with ear…

Here's one from Russia A guy is late for an important meeting but can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

Three spies were detained in Russia A British spy, a French spy, and an Italian spy. They were split up into three separate rooms to be interrogated. After the interrogations, they were thrown into a cell together. The British spy said he was threatened with torture and confessed his secrets. The French spy told a similar story of fear of torture. The Italian spy had been beaten to a bloody pulp. The other two spies asked the Italian spy, "Why didn't you answer their questions and avoid the…

CIA Agent arrested in Russia A CIA agent is arrested in Moscow and charged with spying. The agent is fluent in Russian and has had years of specialised training on how to blend in with the Russian people. he's the perfect sleeper agent. Down in the darkest dungeons beneath Kremlin the Russian Secret Service (FSS) begin their interrogation. "We know you are American, spy Pig. Admit it!" "How can you say that? I speak Russian like a Muscovite, I am Russian." "You are lying, Spy Pig. We know you…

From a Botswanan friend... A man dies and goes to hell. He finds that there is a different hell for each country. He decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity. He goes to Germany Hell and asks, 'What do they do here?' ... He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day'. The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He …

An American, a Japanese and a Russian scientist are chilling in the park Suddenly, the American just starts talking about a seemingly random topic that had nothing to do with their conversation. After a few minutes, he turns towards the Japanese and the Russian and says: 'Oh sorry guys, this is the newest technology in the US. It was my wife calling me. See, I have this minuscule device in my ear that both allows me to hear her and speak to her.' The Japanese and the Russian nod, both of them…

Freedom of Speech (USSR/USA) During the soviet era many Westerners doubted the freedom of expression given to citizens of Soviet Union, so a journalist set out to interview people from the USA and USSR to see how things compared. One American said "I am completely free to say whatever I think. For example I can walk into any public space and criticize the president." To this the Soviet responded "We too have freedom of speech - we can go to any public square at any time and criticize the pr…

Ww2 joke i heard recently So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States. The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?” “Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America. The boy then asks, “We are at war with Russia too, right? Where’s that?” The father then points at a map of the Soviet Union. “I think we’re also at war with the British,” the boy says. “…

In less than 3 years, Russia went from the second strongest army in the world ... to the second strongest in Ukraine to the 3rd strongest IN Russia.

ukraine's government have predicted that russia could become a “third world country” if they lose the war truth is nobody knows if things will improve to that extent

Vladimir Putin was visiting an elementary school in Russia. After Putin explained to the kids how Russia is the most glorious and best nation in the world, he asked if any of the children had any questions. Suddenly, Aleksandr put his hand up. “Yes?” Putin said, as he pointed at Aleksandr. “Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union and why are trying to take Crimea?” Aleksandr asked. “Well, the correct reason we are invading Ukraine is…” before Putin could finish his sentence, the bell ra…