Russia Jokes

A man and women are walking together in Soviet era Russia... when all of a sudden, the woman feels something wet on her head. She looks up and then turns to the man and says ""Honey I think it's snowing"". Looking slightly confused, the man replies ""No darling, it is obviously raining"". The woman does not believe him and they begin to argue. Trying to avoid further conflict, the man says ""Let's get someone to help us settle this"". They look around and finally see a large man who is obviously…

My roommate just told me he tried to walk to Russia from Alaska. He pulled up short because he couldn't get his Bering Strait.

China and Russia are having a friendly discussion... Russia: ""I bet you couldn't kill that group of Buddhist monks over there"" China: ""Do you want Tibet?""

Why are people so sore about Russia taking the Crimea? I mean cry me a river river right?

In Russia during the height of the 1921 famine ,a bread queue has formed outside in freezing weather to feed the citizens but the bread truck hasn't arrived. A party official comes up and says, ""Hello comrades! There isn't enough bread to feed everyone today, so no bread will be given to any Jews."" All of the Jews, used to disappointment, shrug, pack up their things and go home. Two hours go by as the snow keeps falling. The official returns and announces, ""We're very sorry, comrades. There i…

Tim The Train Expert Long read but worth! There was this man named Tim and Tim comes from a long line of train conductors. His father was a train conductor and so was his father before him. But as Tim grew up he realized that was not his passion but the pressure from his family to follow in his fathers footsteps was too great, so after Tim graduated high school he enrolled in training in hopes to be hired at a train station. After a few years of going through this training school and failing man…

If you live in Russia... .. then you must've picked ""HARD MODE"" at birth.

In Russia they don't have Netflix, they have Njetflix.

It's a well-known historical fact that Hitler lost WWII because he was ignorant of the severity of Russian winters... On one of the first days of the German offensive into Russia, a strange form of precipitation began to fall. Fascinated, Hitler asked his high command, ""What are these white rocks falling from the sky?"" To which a general replied, ""It's hail, Hitler.""

What do you call an internet cafe in Russia? A cyberian cafe.

What is Justin Timberlake's favorite river in Russia? Crimea River

Why does Poland stay from Germany? a couple decades ago they had a three way with Russia that ended poorly

Thousands of Russians in Moscow chant ""Russia without Putin!"" Thousands of Canadians Horrified

From Russia with love (Cold War Edition) Vlad and Ivan are hero KGB agent, and Glorious Komrade Kommander Igor is soon to celebrate day of birth, present required. Much debate on gift as date is near, tension high. Vlad says ""I know, we give Glorious Komrade Kommander book."" ""No, no is no good"" replies Ivan, ""Glorious Komrade Kommander already have book.""

Little Shop of Horrors should have taken place in Russia. Because in Soviet Russia plant eats you!

So Russia has been running out of resources lately... I guess you can call them the Red Scarce.

Divining rod Ivan, a man living in rural Russia, was quite well known in his community for success in locating groundwater for wells. He utilized a divining rod, but in quite an abnormal way--rather than holding it in his hands he balanced it on his nose, walking whichever way it leaned until it finally fell. Wherever it landed, they dug, and they found water every time. The story made its way to the US and it wasn't long before a journalist was on her way to interview Ivan. ""What is your secre…

Germany and Russia joint up to invade Poland... At the start of the battle a lone sniper is able to sneak his way behind enemy lines, so far behind in fact that he manages to get a clear shot of the Russian general in charge of the invasion and the German lieutenant that works as his assistant. Knowing the repercussions of this moment, it becomes irritably apparent to the sniper whom he's to shoot first, and so he does. Days later when the Polish sniper is cough trying to escape the area, after …

The Americans are aiding Ukraine in their war against Russia. Their new, revolutionary strategy is to clog the Russians arteries. They call it *Operation* *Dunkin'* *Donetsk*.

In soviet Russia, shop boys pet you! You're welcome.

I went to Russia, met a guy called Vladislav * **Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.**

A woman just had twins, a boy and a girl, and she hasn't decided yet what to name them. Coincidentally her long lost uncle from Russia has just come into town. The mother decides, because it's such a special occasion she should let her uncle name them. After hearing the news, the uncle stating 'what a special honor it is,' decides he needs some time to think of the perfect names. Finally he comes back with the 'perfect names'. First he says 'the girl will be called Denise'. 'Wow that's a great n…

Why did hitlers aircraft preform so badly after the invasion of russia? because they were stalin'

If I could have any superpower It would be Cold War Russia

Russia Jokes Submit your best Russia jokes. Mine are ""Why was everybody in Russia rushin'? Because nobody wanted to be Stalin."" and ""Why were Russians wearing bear fur coats? Because Lenins weren't warm enough for them.""