Russia Jokes

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.

Somewhere in Russia, a little kid farted a half beat before the meteor blew out all the windows. It was the greatest moment of his life.

A cow fell off a truck in Russia Apparently he hadn't been Put in properly.

What happens if socialism comes to the Sahara? Old Soviet-era joke told in Russia: What happens if socialism comes to the Sahara? Nothing at first, but then the sand shortages will start.

confluence 42 points 21 hours ago A Polish farmer is ploughing his field when he hits an obstruction in the soil - a dirty old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it to clean it off, and a genie appears in a puff of smoke. ""Thank goodness you found my lamp I was getting bored,"" says the Genie. ""I will grant you any three wishes you desire."" The farmer thinks and thinks and finally says: ""I want the Mongols to invade Poland... and then go home."" The genie looks confused, but he shrugs, and snaps …

Teacher: In 1940 what were the Poles doing in Russia ? Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !

Osama bin Laden threatened Russia: If you get caught up in this war... I'll hide from you too!

At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians. American : ""In the United States anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police."" Russian : ""In Russia we don't require that you dial anything.""

Iraq has just ordered two thousand septic tanks from Russia. As soon as the Iraqis learn to drive them they are going to invade Iran.

Why is Russia a very fast country ? Because the people are always Russian !

What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia? A puppy.

Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America? A: ""Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!""

The Russian President Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama with an emergency request “Mr President, we need help. Our largest condom factory has exploded,” the Russian President explained. “My people now have no method of birth control! This is a true disaster!” “Vladimir,” said Obama, “the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.” “We do need your help,” said Putin. “Could you possibly send one million condoms to tide us over?” “No problem, I’m on it,” sai…

American scientists made a clocks ... that goes forward a second if someone swears near it. So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks. In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing. They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?". Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."

Zolota Rybka: Golden Fish Ukrainian Joke One day a Ukrainian and a Russian are out fishing, when the Russian got a tug on his line. He struggled to bring it ashore and saw it was the Golden Fish. The fish told him "I will give each of you two wishes if you throw me back." The Two fellows agreed. The Russian went first, "I wish that only **real** Russians were in Russia. Men with Slovic blood and vodka flowing through their veins. My second wish is that you build a huge cement wall all the way a…

Two Rabbis are walking down the street and they walk past a Catholic church advertising a $50 payout for anyone who converts that day... The one Rabbi looks at the other and says, "I think I am going to go in there, convert, and get the 50 dollars." The other Rabbi looks at him in disbelief and says, "You must be joking! Your grandfather was a studious Rabbi in Russia, your father emigrated to this country and also became a Rabbi, and you have spent your whole life studying the Torah to also be…

If World War One were a bar fight. Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia…

I heard this joke from a foreign tour woman of a museum of Communism in Russia... [Apparently this was a real joke told by anti-communist citizens when Stalin was dictator of the Soviet Union] Have you tried Stalin bacon before? *I'm not sure.. I don't think so...* Well, I know for certain that you haven't - the pig's not dead yet.

USSR jokes about America My dad told me this one was a classic when he lived in the former Soviet Union: So as you know, Russia and America would send spies against each other frequently. All American spies were mandated to learn Russian and all Russians English. Well so, the American spy gets dropped off in the middle of Siberia. Freezing, he goes to the nearest house and knocks. When the owner gets to the door, the spy says, "May I please have some shelter and food?" The owner of the ho…

Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train. Fidel Castro pulls an expensive Cuban cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask "what are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!" To which Castro responds, "in your country/post-heliopausal region perhaps, but in my country these are as cheap as dirt." Then Vladimir Putin pulls a bottle of expensi…

Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'" Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"

A Polish guy finds a lamp buried in the sand As per usual, a genie comes out and offers him three wishes. The Polish guy things for a moment and says, "I wish for all of Ghengis Khan's armies to go rampaging across the steppes to the border of Poland, then turn around and go home." "All right," the genie says, "Done. What's your second wish?" "I wish for all the Mongol hordes of Asia to go rampaging across the steppes to the border of Poland, then turn around and go home." "Are you sure?" a…

Keeping with the spirit of all the international jokes, I present one of my favorite Ukrainian ones. A Ukrainian man and a Russian man are out fishing when suddenly the Russian reels in a golden fish. The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes." The fish turns to the Russian man and says "Since you are the one who reeled me in, you get to go first." "Alright," says the Russian, "I wish that all of the foreigners in …

American tourists visit Russia ... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives. Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking vodka. Suddenly they see screaming crazy Americans running over the campsite, tipping over the picknick tables, breaking bottles, and then disappearing into the thick woods.…